Experience description:

Before my near death experience, I was in a pagan cult, a sex worker, an alcoholic and abused prescription drugs. I was diagnosed with chronic major depression, PTSD, and anxiety. I had never read the Bible and believed in something but I didn’t know what I believed in. No one in my family was Christian and I didn’t go to church. I did witchcraft and other spiritual practices that I learned mostly from the cult I was in. I didn’t know it was a cult at the time until after my NDE. I joined the cult to escape a controlling abusive relationship. All of my relationships had been abusive. I was a single mom with two kids and had no support from family. My youngest son had been diagnosed with autism when he was 4. We lived a very hard and stressful life. I had felt hopeless for so long that it seemed normal to me.

One day in April of 2021, I had abused prescriptions during the day to keep up with my life as I usually did and drank 2 bottles of wine at night to help myself sleep like I did every night. I had always done this for almost 10 years so I didn’t think anything of it. But I woke up either very late at night or early in the morning when it was still dark and I instantly knew I was overdosing and knew I was going to die. I didn’t think I was going to die I knew I was going to die; it was a different feeling from anything else. I felt this doom closing in that felt terrifying. I woke up in a cold sweat and was moving very slowly and had these waves of panic coming over me and then waves of feeling too relaxed as if I was slipping away consciously. I was trying to remain calm and not panic but also get a grip to stay awake and not die. I could hardly breathe and wasn’t sure with each breath if I was going to be able to have one more breath or not. I couldn’t tell if my heart was beating too fast or too slow or both. It took everything in me just to focus to take each breath and in this moment it was like my soul 'sobered up' not that the drugs left my body but rather that in an instant I was hit with the eye opening reality that I was going to die. Instantly I snapped out of all the things I had been doing wrong; 'praying' to spirits and not God, abusing my body and mind with drugs and using alcohol to forget my past, everything I'd done had been for nothing and meant nothing. I realized that no one could help me but God. I thought for the first time, 'what is going to happen to me when I die? Do I even know God? Do my children even know God? Do they even know that I love them? Have I even lived a life of purpose and meaning?' For hours while I tried to breath, I wasn’t even able to dial 911 and I was scared to get help. My son was asleep. I was scared that if he woke up he would see what was happening to me. My father had died from a drug over dose when I was the same age as my son. I dreaded the thought that what happened to me losing my father would now happen to him if he lost his mom. For hours I laid as still as I could; breathing and crying and praying to God who I did not know. I prayed 'I’m sorry for praying to spirits angels energies the universe etc., I’m praying to God ONLY now' because I realized what I’d been praying to before did not have any good in mind for me. Something inside me realized I needed the Bible and that it would protect me. I went and found the old bible that my father gave me before he died 22 years prior. I kept it because he gave it to me and so it was special but I never read it and always ignored it yet now I wish I had read it. I was not able to read it because I could barely move or keep my focus. But I lay with it on my chest and searched for 'bible verses for protection' videos and listened to it. I clung to the words for dear life and believed every word of it. I trusted God to save me. My prayer was: 'God, I want to know you. I want my kids to know you. I want to live for you. I want my kids to know I love them. I want to make things right. Please don’t let me die. I will live for you and make things right.' For many hours this went on while I laid there unable to move, thinking back on everything I’d failed to do to make sure my kids knew I’d loved them. I thought of how mean and selfish and stressed I’d been instead of loving them. I thought of how I’d searched out all these 'spiritual practices' such as witchcraft but had never sought the one true God. I thought of how I’d chased all these selfish ambitions of what I thought I just had to have but overlooked the important things like how I treated people. Little did I realize my life was about to change. As a video was saying psalm 91 'He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield'. Right at that very moment, I felt my last breath out and all my strength left me. The sounds around me faded away. Something came down over me like a 'sleep' but I did not fall asleep. I was still awake and conscious and my eyes were open. Everything around me was the same but different. It was as if a peaceful rest came over me and yet I was still me. I had been looking at the back of my sons head (he was asleep and turned away from me). In between my son and I, a man appeared behind us. I didn’t turn right away to look at him. I was crying and looking at my son praying to live. The man that appeared directly in the center of my son and I effortlessly. Somehow I knew that the measurement between him and my son and me was exact and equal. He had two large long white feathered wings; one was directly behind me and the other directly behind my son. The feathers were extremely neat and tidy. The wings were only there a moment and then went down to his sides and disappeared. From the moment he appeared I was still calm because he seemed extremely familiar.

Almost so familiar and so close that he had always been there and I had always over looked and ignored him and took his presence for granted. I knew he was trustworthy and true. Out of the corner of my eye I could see he wore a solid, simple white garment with a solid pure gold band around his waist-it was narrow and had no beginning or end and was made of literal gold material. He seemed extremely tall to me, taller than a normal human. He was looking down upon me smiling and beaming with love and gladness and joy, despite the fact that I was crying and feeling like a complete weak failure and was at my lowest moment. His eyes were glued to me as if he had been waiting my whole life for this moment and was so excited. Yet. Despite all this, I didn’t turn right away and kept on in my sadness about how I’d wasted my life until now. When I did not turn to him, he turned his attention to my son, who I was looking at, and lifted his hand (he had a very beautiful hand) placing a solid gold crown on my sons head, then put his hand back down to his side, and turned his attention again to me. The crown was large, round and made of solid gold like kings used to wear. It was too big yet for my son who was only 7 so it sat tilted on his head. It was very cute to see my son curled up sleeping with this adult size crown tilted on his head. Yet when I saw this I became stirred up in my emotions and went from feeling like rock bottom to worse than rock bottom. What I was seeing seemed like a beautiful promise yet in reality it felt like the complete opposite. I also wasn’t sure if I was dead or imagining this but I knew it was really happening so I was trying to make sense of it. I began to cry even harder than before and still without turning to him I spoke out loud to the man. I said to him, 'why would you put that on him? It’s too big for him, he can’t even wear it.' Then I continued to cry. He stood silently, patiently waiting for me to listen to him. There was a pause that was so powerful that even before he spoke I knew what he was going to say was powerful and that this was the voice of God. I instantly stopped crying and held my breath and inclined my ear to hear what he had to say. Then he spoke. It was a still, small voice. So much so that I had to be completely still to hear it. He spoke very simply and very clearly. Yet I could hear all of history and the ancientness in his voice. It was as if every detail of human history was written in a book and my life was a tiny dot of ink such as a comma in the midst of all of it yet it mattered to him no matter how small my life is. What he said seemed vague and mysterious to me. Yet when he spoke it was with authority and undeniable truth. It was as if as he was speaking, what he was saying was already true not because of how I feel or because of physical evidence but because he was saying it, it was true. What he said was: 'he will grow into it.' After he said this, there was another pause. And then he said, 'just like you grew into yours.' I then saw out of the corner of my eye his arm coming down over my head. Out of reaction, I lifted my hand and grabbed what he had placed on my head. When I saw it, I thought I’d completely last my mind and was imagining this, yet I knew I was really experiencing it because what I saw was so otherworldly that it was more real than anything I’d experienced. I was holding a solid gold crown just like my sons. But this one had three huge jewels in it. The first was a green emerald, the second a red ruby, the third a blue sapphire. They were not regular jewels carved by people.

They were huge, raw, naturally shaped in all uniqueness, extremely sharp almost as if they had been in the gold of the crown and pushed out of the gold. It looked painfully beautiful because I knew when I saw it that a lot of pain had taken place for it to be formed. Somehow I knew that these jewels were all the painful things I’d been through in my life and that he was showing me he was using it all for good to make something beautiful from it all. I let out a sigh of relief and rest as I realized 'someone knows, and sees me, and understands. It wasn’t all for nothing, it all did amount to something. Everything in my life did matter.' This gave me peace. I suddenly realized that what I’d 'always believed in but didn’t know what it was' also knew me and was there all along and knew everything about me, all the thoughts I’d ever had even. Out of sheer curiosity to know who it was that knew me, I turned around and saw that man behind me. It was Jesus. I instantly recognize him and my spirit recognized his spirit. He was smiling and beaming at me. He was lit up like a lamp of the most perfect, unexplainable otherworldly warm color of light. He was so easy to look at. I was looking up at him like a little kid. I forgot all about what I was holding, about my concerns, my son, my pain, everything. The only thing I could think of was him. I was soaking up all the comfort and love from him. He was so beautiful and easy to look at. As I looked at him, I remembered a small clip from a movie that I just happened to see when I was a kid. I was walking past a tv and saw Jesus bleeding on the cross. It caught my attention because as a kid I was shocked that someone was naked on tv covered in blood. That was one of the only things I remembered about Jesus. I had heard of Jesus but didn’t know that he was God. As I was now looking up at him, I thought in my head like a little kid, 'isn’t this Jesus? That guy that people were mean to him and killed him because he loved God or something like that? Why is he looking at me like that? (With love) and why is he so happy if he suffered?' I could not understand why this perfect person was looking at me with so much love when I was feeling beyond rock bottom as a terrible person. He looked at me with every kind of love. He looked at me the way a father looks at his daughter on her wedding day, the way a man looks at a woman he is purposing to, the way a first love asked someone to prom with hope in his eyes, the way a big brother looks at you like 'I’ve got your back, the way a familiar friend looks at you when you see each other for the first time in years and nothing has changed between you two. I could see that he had always known me and was always waiting for me to turn to him.

When I thought, 'why is he happy if he suffered?' He knew my thoughts, and a dark shadow of smoke appeared over his head in the form of a crown of thorns that floated over his head for a moment and then blew away and disappeared, he smiled the entire time because death had no hold on him. Then I heard very clearly in my mind, almost so closely that I was sure if it was my conscious or him (but it wasn’t my conscious because I knew about none of these things until after I lived from the experience and read the Bible) I heard in my mind, 'new name.' I tore my eyes away from him to the crown in my hand and as I turned the crown in my hand a word appeared across the gold of the crown as the light from Jesus hit the gold as if it were a mirror and in living, pearl colored letters it said: Life. I didn’t understand what that meant, so I thought that’s a word not a name. He was not offended but snatched me into his arm in one quick moment. I began to look around because I thought, 'how is he holding me like this?' Again, he knew my thoughts and he said out loud to me, 'you are not too heavy.' Somehow I just believed him and trusted him and he pulled me close to his chest the way a parent would to a newborn baby. As he did this, I gasped when I saw him up close because of how beautiful he was. He was no longer lit up like a lamp but I could see him plainly and clearly. As he pulled me close he turned his face toward me in what seemed like slow motion as if he was trying to capture and savor every moment and wanted me to as well. When I saw his face, it was Jesus, but I could somehow 'see' the father in him. Just as I had heard his voice and could 'hear' the father within his voice. I gasped and was shocked as I realized, and thought in my mind, 'this is my father. This is who I come from.' As he pulled me in completely, he was then so close that I didn’t see him but felt his love being poured into me over and over for I’m not sure how long. It was as if time melted all around us and had no control over us. I didn’t think about anything except this perfect love that was flowing through me. It seemed as if an entire ocean had somehow been pent up by brick walls and broke through and was just so deep and lasted forever. It is unexplainable how this much perfect love could ever be possible. This happened for what seemed like a long time. And then I realized 'wait, now I know the truth, but what about my kids? They don’t know, who will tell them?' I said out loud to Him, 'wait, how can you say, 'he will grow into it', if I’ve just barely grown into mine?' (What I meant by this was that now I know God but how will they know if I’m now dead). When I said this, his face became serious and concerned, and he was stirred within himself with compassion. He considered what I had said and gently placed me on my feet, with his arms still open toward me, and his arms never went down. I was now seeing him from head to toe, and was standing before him. My first thought when I saw him now was 'the son of man' although I didn’t know what that meant. He was surprisingly short as a man, barefoot, wearing a simple white garment that went slightly below his knees and looked as if he were 'dressed and ready to work' he was now not abnormally tall with wings and a gold band around his waist and lit up like a lamp. I was surprised at how humble he looked even almost lowly. It was as if he were so holy and amazing that he made himself as ordinary as possible yet it still couldn’t contain all his glory and goodness. When he put me down, I somehow landed gracefully on my feet-I’m not sure if I was 'in my body or 'out of my body' but I wasn’t thinking about my body. I had no pain or other awareness of my body such as insecurity etc. as he put me down he said to me: 'See? You will not leave him.' He said this smiling as if he knew everything past present and future and wanted to tell me, the way a parent is excited for their child to open a gift but waits until Christmas to make it special. As he said this, I looked at him, and then the door, and then him again and thought 'What does he mean by that? Of course, I will not leave him, I’d never leave my son'. When he saw that I didn’t understand, he held my right hand and walked with me to the dining table.

He swiftly went ahead of me and sat down at the table and began preparing something the way a man who works in an office would go in and start preparing his work. As he did this, I stopped in my tracks and was caught off guard at how beautiful it was when he moved. As he went before me I saw the bottom of his garment whip behind him in the most majestic way. Every about him from his body language to his hand movements to his speech was like living liquid poetry and literary art. I could see and hear history and poetry all about him. As he sat at my table I could also see that he very clearly was familiar with my home and everything in it as if it all had come from him. As I stood there processing all this, I was once again shocked into realizing that I was seeing Jesus and wondered in my mind 'am I dead?' (I know that doesn’t make sense because he had just said 'you will not leave him' but since this encounter was still happening, I didn’t under if I was dead or alive) he knew my thoughts and he looked over at me and said very clearly and simply, 'no.' I said 'oh, okay' and quickly sat at the table across from him. As I did this, here was immediately a large wine glass about 1 1/2 feet tall. It was in the middle of us but to the side. The part containing red liquid (I didn’t know if it was wine or blood) was the size of a bowl. It was about 1 inch thick glass. The blood or wine was almost to the top. There was a neat, perfect fire floating above it. It looked like the fire from an electric fire place. It didn’t has ashes or smoke and wasn’t spreading it was just perfectly organized. As I saw this, I became extremely uncomfortable as I sat face to face with him across from me and realized for the first time that I was a sinner. I felt ashamed of my sons as they came to mind. I thought about how much I drank alcohol and was ashamed that he knew about it and saw and knew everything. I thought about how I treated people. I thought about sexual sins. I felt extremely convicted because he is holy. It became difficult to look at him through the fire. The entire time, he kept his eyes on me. I could see that he knew every thought. I became so uncomfortable that I was practically squirming around in my chair, desperate for this to end. The entire time, his right hand was up. I tried desperately to look at him through the fire and keep eye contact with him. I then saw caught his eye and saw his face change to compassion once again and he said, 'no more' and put his hand down, and the cup completely and utterly disappeared. Immediately, I let out a breath as if I had been holding my breath and I thought, 'thank God that’s gone.' Just as I was gathering myself from this, I saw he was already doing something new. I looked up, and in place of the cup was a square light tan basket with a white napkin in it. He quickly and carefully unfolded all four corners of the napkin and took out a simple small loaf of bread. When he knew I was watching, he paused, broke it in two perfect halves, and handed one half to me, looking at me as he handing it to me. I thought of my son and that I wanted him to have some if I’m not here. I pinched the top of the bread and began tearing it down and quickly and carefully as I could, making sure he had the bigger, better part and placed it at the seat next to me so it was his. Then I took the small middle part and put it in front of me as my portion. Once I’d done this, I felt relieved that I’d done everything I could to make sure he had this. Jesus, still looking at me, said: 'See? He will get the better half.' As he said this, I again was waking up more and more to the fact of who I was talking to. I realized in my mind 'wait, this is it-HE is it-he’s the answer to everything, to ever question, he’s everything' then I wanted to ask him many questions. I said: 'wait, what now!?!?' While I was still speaking he took hold of both my hands and said to me the same thing three times in different ways. He said 'hold on. Hold onto me. Just hold onto me.' When I woke up I immediately began writing down what happened. I read the Bible my dad gave me and realized that every written about Jesus was true and that he is the literal living word of God. I told my kids what happened, left the cult and sex work, stopped drinking and abusing prescriptions, joined a church and got baptized. I shared my testimony at church and with everyone I can. My children and I have been walking carefully with the Lord ever since. I’m currently trying to write a book about my experience.

Background Information:

Gender: Female

Date NDE Occurred: April 2021

NDE Elements:

At the time of your experience, was there an associated life-threatening event? Yes Drug or medication overdose Other I’m not sure if it was a NDE or if I actually died. I was at home and not a hospital. I was accidentally overdosing.

How do you consider the content of your experience? Both pleasant AND distressing

Did you feel separated from your body? No I lost awareness of my body

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness? More consciousness and alertness than normal My eyes were opened to the reality of who I was speaking with and that he is holy and just and that the unseen spiritual reality is more real than even the reality we see all around us every day.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness? At the very end when I really realized it was Jesus I was talking to.

Were your thoughts speeded up? No

Did time seem to speed up or slow down? No

Were your senses More vivid than usual? No

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. My vision seemed to be the same but Jesus was lit up like a lamp and everything about him was indescribable and otherworldly.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience. In the beginning of encounter the sounds around me faded away and it was now just him and I.

Did you seem to be aware of things going on elsewhere? No

Did you pass into or through a tunnel? No

Did you see any beings in your experience? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings? No

Did you see, or feel surrounded by, a brilliant light? A light clearly of mystical or other-worldly origin

Did you see an unearthly light? Yes When I looked up at him and he was lit up like a lamp.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world? No

What emotions did you feel during the experience? At first when I was crying and sad, I felt my conscious soften to where I was crying but was no longer painfully aware of the details as to why I was crying. When his love was pouring into me, it was perfect bliss. When I felt convicted of sin, I felt ashamed and uncomfortable. Multiple times I felt relieved like when I saw the jewels in the crown and when he handed me the bread. Many times, I felt shocked at how beautiful and interesting he was, particularly when he was moving or doing something new or revealing another aspect of himself to me.

Did you have a feeling of peace or pleasantness? Relief or calmness

Did you have a feeling of joy? Happiness

Did you feel a sense of harmony or unity with the universe? No

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything? No

Did scenes from your past come back to you? No I had a vague general knowing of things but not a sharp intense remembrance for example I knew I was sad while looking at my son but wasn’t in the same conscience pain that I was about it prior to the experience. And when I saw the fire and was convicted of sin, I had a vague knowing that I drank a lot but not detailed remembrance of things that happened when I drank.

Did scenes from the future come to you? No

Did you come to a border or point of no return? No

God, Spiritual and Religion:

What was your religion prior to your experience? Other faiths- New age At the time I considered myself 'pagan' and was in a pagan cult (at the time I didn’t realize it was a cult)

Have your religious practices changed since your experience? Yes I was a pagan now I’m a Christian.

What is your religion now? Christian- Other Christian My NDE converted me to Christianity because I saw Jesus.

Did your experience include features consistent with your earthly beliefs? Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience I always believed in something but didn’t know what. Seeing Jesus revealed to me that he was God.

Did you have a change in your values and beliefs because of your experience? Yes I now watch everything I do, say, and think, knowing that it all matters.

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice? No

Did you see deceased or religious spirits? No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)? Yes Jesus.

During your experience, did you gain information about premortal existence? No

During your experience, did you gain information about universal connection or oneness? Uncertain I could see that Jesus knew everything past present and future, from big picture of history from beginning to end and also every single detail in between, and that he knew my father before me, and my son etc. that he had been working in my life before I was born.

During your experience, did you gain information about the existence of God? Yes Jesus is God.

Concerning our Earthly lives other than Religion:

During your experience, did you gain special knowledge or information about your purpose? Yes To share with others what God has given me which is the truth and a second chance.

During your experience, did you gain information about the meaning of life? Yes My purpose is to tell everyone I can what I discovered so that they also will be saved.

During your experience, did you gain information about an afterlife? Yes I came to realize that some kind of consciousness continues after death and that those who accept Jesus will be with him and that everything written in the Bible that Jesus said is true.

Did you gain information about how to live our lives? Yes When I die or when Jesus returns I want to not be ashamed of any words, actions, or thoughts that would come to light and I want to be found faithful to him.

During your experience, did you gain information about life's difficulties, challenges and hardships? Yes Despite what I was feeling, Jesus was smiling upon me because I was repenting and turning to God. And the hard things and painful things he uses for good and for his glory and will reward us.

During your experience, did you gain information about love? Yes Gods love for even the worst sinners is too good to be true and yet true because I experienced it myself. In the end we want to have peace knowing we loved well.

What life changes occurred in your life after your experience? Large changes in my life I am a completely new person.

Have your relationships changed specifically because of your experience? Yes I left my relationships and have left everyone who doesn’t follow Christ. Other than occasionally checking in with family to plant seeds to lead them to God but I only associate with Christian’s now.

After the NDE:

Was the experience difficult to express in words? Yes Soon after my experience, I told a pastor what happened and since I wasn’t very familiar yet with the Bible (only started reading it after experience) I didn’t have the 'language' to explain it, now it’s easier to explain because I know the terms used in scripture, BUT it has always been frustrating to explain, because often people don’t seem to grasp how serious the experience was. I’ve gotten better at describing it, but there are no earthly words that can describe what’s otherworldly. Also, there are no words worthy to describe God.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience? I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience I remember it more clearly than I can anything else. I remember it every single day.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience? Uncertain

Have you ever shared this experience with others? Yes I told people right away. I felt that I was filled to over flowing with the truth and that if I didn’t get around empty vessels for it to pour out into them, I might die from containing it all. Most people believed but some people don’t want to hear it. It was very hard to explain at first and I was an emotional mess.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience? No

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened? Experience was definitely real

What do you believe about the reality of your experience now? Experience was definitely real

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience? Uncertain