Miguel A STE
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Experience description:

It seemed that everything had already happened when I came out of the retreat. After dinner and after-dinner talk, I had the feeling that I was back to 'normal'. So I got behind the wheel and drove off. I drove slowly. The day was sunny and calm. Although the landscape was beautiful, there was nothing relevant. The usual tiredness I suppose, and the desire to get home. I don't remember much else about the trip, except what I'm going to tell you now.

I went up the Escudo pass, which separates the Plateau from Cantabria, and I had about two hundred kilometers to go home. I was looking at the landscape, contemplating the mountains, the trees, the rocks. And I began to look at each thing as a manifestation of 'it.' 'The mountains are “it”, the rocks are 'it', trees are “it,' I thought. And that's when I asked myself the question, an innocent question, apparently. 'And me? Who am I?'

Suddenly I felt the answer with enormous clarity, an answer that said: 'I am who I am.' Well, you say, what is special about it? It's just one more thought. A phrase from the Bible that came to your head. It happens constantly, and it doesn't matter much. And, yes, that phrase would indeed have been unimportant. One more thought of the many thousands that go through the head, if it had happened there, in the head. But the thought did not come to the head, it came to the Hara, the lower abdomen. And it did not come like the others but left even a physical sign as if someone were writing it from within. It was as if lightning had carved it out of rock, or branded it with fire. It was something physically perceptible. That phrase clearly came from somewhere else, from another dimension, so to speak.

Then there was something like an explosion in the Hara. It wasn't an explosion, of course, but if I use one word to describe it, the closest thing to it is an explosion. In an ancient book called Mummonkan, or the Gateless Barrier, (a book about koans zen), in his comment to the koan Mu (the one I had been practicing until the retreat, and I had formally passed during it), Mumon writes this: 'And suddenly an explosive conversion will take place, the sky will be amazed and the earth will shake.' Well, those words are real, they are not a symbolic image!

It was as if all the earth was retreating under my feet. I couldn't believe what was happening. This was going to be my end. Around me, everything seemed to dissolve. But in reality, it was me who was diluted. I was driving, and I saw that if I didn't stop it would kill me because I couldn't see the road anymore. 'Don't hold onto anything' was the only thought in my head. I couldn't hold onto anything because… THERE WAS NOTHING TO HOLD ON TO!

But I felt that I should continue doing what I was doing because whatever happened I had to lead a normal life. If I stopped the car, I would have to stop my activities at other times, for the same reason. If that happened, for example, during a class with students, or in a work meeting with parents (as it happened later), and I could not continue with my usual activities, it would be like falling into madness. No one could understand what was happening to me, not even doctors or psychiatrists. For a psychiatrist, that would be like schizophrenia, and they would treat me with very strong medication.

I didn't linearly think of things. Those thoughts could have happened in a fraction of a second because afterward, I can't describe anything else. I was conscious because I remember having merged with the car and driving. But there is not a single memory of vehicles crossing me, or landscapes, or sensations. The body seemed to disappear. Or maybe my body was the entire Universe. There was not a single thought. Not even a single one. And somehow I know that I let go and I let myself go because I was not there. There was God, the Universe, or whatever you want to call it. (And it was the one who drove the car during the experience, not me)

How long did it last? There was no time, so talking about duration is meaningless. It could have been there forever, I guess. I might never have returned. But I came back. Suddenly I saw red lights in the fog. The last memory I have from before was a sunny landscape. Now I was in the middle of a thick fog. Although it was cold, I had the windows open, and I was sweating. My whole body was hot. I was full of energy, energy unknown to me yet.

At that moment, I saw a person approach. I made out his policeman uniform. I thought I'd get pulled over for reckless driving or something. 'He will notice something,' I said to myself (I don't know if I even thought about it, but it must have gone through my head). “Surely I can't even speak”, came to my mind more a fraction of a second. I wasn't really thinking, but there were fleeting bits of mental activity. But they must not have become thoughts. They did not leave a trail. Now I can say that I was probably in pure samadhi. But then, of course, I didn't think anything. And everything was perfect. Of such perfection that I still remember it. The fog was very thick but wonderful; the parking lights of the car parked there shone in a peculiarly beautiful way, (I remember those lights very clearly)

Then the person in uniform came up to me.

'Hi, good afternoon,' he said.

“Good afternoon”, I answered without any thought in my mind, and I was surprised that I could speak so clearly.

- There has been an accident. Be careful with the fog.

“Okay, thank you”.

The words came out of me as if by magic, since I did not think them. They did not come to form in my mind. They reached my mouth directly without leaving a trace in the brain, which seemed impossible.

'And put your seat belt on,' he added.

Then I realized I wasn't wearing it. I had not unconsciously removed it because the image came to me of having done it while driving (I remembered that it was pressing my breath). I can't understand how I remembered it, as there wasn't a single memory properly speaking. And yet I was aware that I had taken it off. It's something I can't explain. (The memories seemed to be there, but I never tried to dig upon them).

Since then I know for myself that the mind does not disappear when you stop thinking. Strange as it may sound, the mind works best without thinking. There is an intelligence that is not that of thought, and that is far superior. It is the intelligence of the Universe. Can anyone create the Universe, as we know it exists, and make it work perfectly? Or can we make our bodies work the way it does?

No, we cannot do it consciously. But we can. We can because we do. Our heart beats constantly, Our eyes see...  We perceive with our senses, naturally. We do it at all times, without getting tired, without being overwhelmed. Could we do that just with our thought? If every heartbeat had to be done rationally, the work would be impossible. And we would have to control thousands of bodily functions at the same time. We should always be awake, working incessantly, exhaustingly. But it is not necessary. We do everything without thinking.

I do not know how to explain it. I suppose it is impossible to do it, but I will try at least. From that day on I knew that we are not the limited being that we think we are. We are not the linear being that lives in linear space and time. We are not a limited entity that lives at the mercy of the elements, as we have been led to believe. That is an error. We are a being that encompasses past, present, and future, right now. And it encompasses the entire Universe.

The fault is in the way we think. There is nothing wrong with thinking. The bad thing is in thinking constantly and without control. We must and can learn to think consciously because that is what it is all about. By not thinking, the ego disappears, which leads to a panic reaction. The ego rules over us and places a screen around us that separates us from the Universe. We believe we exist separately and we have created our entire way of life on that basis. Our civilization and our society have grown up on the wrong foundation. And so it goes!

Our cities, our work, our way of functioning, are based on the fact that we are isolated entities, egos that think. Egos locked in a body that doesn't even respond to our wishes. Egos that perform what is considered the highest activity of all that can exist: rational thinking. Little fatuous egos that don't really exist, though we take them for granted. But we are not that. If we let ourselves be carried away, even for an instant, we would discover that we are the same Universe. And we would think we had gone crazy when it is just the opposite. It is now when we are, seeing ourselves as thinking and alienated entities.

'What was given to me at the time, would not fit in a whole library,' I wrote to my teacher several days later. “It was as if in a moment, all my questions had been answered. There was nothing he didn't know. But I couldn't explain what I knew. If someone asks me, what do I know, I would say I don't know'

None of that has been erased from my mind. I can still remember it. Not like other memories, locked in a limited space-time reality. This memory is different. It is like the ocean, which does not fit in a glass. The glass is the thinking mind, and the ocean is the Universal Mind. How to put into words or concepts, what is unlimited? It's not possible. I have never tried. But sometimes I read or hear people who manage to put into words things that normally are not possible to express. And then I say to myself, 'yes, it is possible to put pieces of eternity in time' And it is necessary, because the world needs it, today, more than ever.


 Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?      No     

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words?          Yes    impossible to find the words, or make any reference to something similar

 At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event? No     

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?    I was in a heightened state of consciousness

            Was the experience dream like in any way?  No. It was TOTALLY real

 Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?   Uncertain     In the beginning, I felt I was disappearing or dissolving, but then I felt I was coming in union with something superior. Another reality. The Reality.

 What emotions did you feel during the experience?         In the beginning, I felt fear, then I felt incredible bliss

 Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?         I felt this: 'I am who I am', but it wasn't a voice, it was rather a sound like something writing it on my belly (Hara in Japanese)

 LOCATION DESCRIPTION:  Did you recognize any familiar locations or any locations from familiar religious teachings or encounter any locations inhabited by incredible or amazing creatures?         Uncertain     It was rather what is called emptiness in Buddhism. But it wasn't space. It's impossible to describe.

 Did you see a light?        Uncertain     I didn't see a light. Everything was Light. I disappeared in the light, so to speak

 Did you meet or see any other beings?         No     

Did you experiment while out of the body or in another, altered state?         No     

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No     

Did you notice how your 5 senses were working, and if so, how were they different? Uncertain     My senses were working but I didn't have to be thinking about what I felt. In fact, I don't remember anything about driving, but I had driven for a long distance without any problem

 Did you have any sense of altered space or time?          Uncertain     It was totally different but I cannot explain why

 Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?         Uncertain     I didn't have a conscious sense of anything, I had no thoughts. I rather was one with the inner knowledge. What I perceived was a totally different reality. When I 'came back', I remember it like Reality with capital letters. I cannot say anything else.

 Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?           No     

Did you become aware of future events?      No     

Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body?          No      Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?         No     

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?     Yes    The experience changed my life completely. After that, I was COMPLETELY SURE that the mind survives death (not the thinking mind, but the essence of the mind, the true self). After that experience, I took very seriously the practice of Zen, which I have continued without interruption for more than 3 decades.

 How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices?   After the experience, I was involved in different Zen movements, schools, or sanghas. I have traveled to many different places to find guidance, and on the way, in some of the places, I made pilgrimages and tourism. I travelled always alone or with my wife. About my daily life, I was more aware of people's needs, but I have to wait until I cleanse all my negativities. Many of them are cleansed; I can see it. But others aren't. I have to be patient about that. It may take all my life, or even more. About my religious practices, I have tried several times to get back to Catholicism, but I can't believe many of the dogmas. I don't have any particular religion, just Zen practice.

 Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience? Yes    Yes, very very much. After the experience, I have been always aware of that Reality. The experience itself didn't last much, just a few days after that trip, but afterward, the doubt never came back. Of course, it wasn't easy to live with it. I knew more than people around me could accept, and I was no one for them: I wasn't a priest or a monk... I was just a normal guy, with a family and work career, whom nothing like that could possibly happen. I could never try to convince them that Reality is inside each one of us. So I never spoke about it with anybody. I practiced Zen intensely though. I sat in zazen for at least two hours every day, and I made sesshin (retreats with my teacher and other sangha members) at least 6 times a year. I spent time in the Zen Center during summer vacation and practices intensely. I worked out hundreds of koans, and I met other Zen Masters around the globe. But for some reason, I never became a Zen teacher myself. I traveled to Japan several times, and I met a great Zen Master in Bukkokuji 11 years ago, and he made me formally his disciple. I got a dharma name. But he passed away four years ago and he didn't leave any Zen school behind. Now that I am retired as a School teacher I don't have a formal teacher but practice Zen intensely on my own. Every day I do several hours of meditation.

 Have you shared this experience with others?       Yes    I was many years without saying anything, except to my teachers. Recently I wrote a book about Zen, where I spoke of it. Now I am telling it here. Apart from this, I have seldom mentioned it to others.

 What emotions did you experience following your experience? Gratefulness, gratitude, Love, and compassion for people's suffering.

 What was the best and worst part of your experience?          The best was the relief of all my doubts about life and death. The worst is that I can't transmit it to others. It's impossible.

 Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience? Reading the NDE's of many people on this page, I have seen that mine is very similar to many of them, except that my life wasn't endangered. I think that somehow I passed for an NDE myself when I was driving the car and I felt the explosion in my 'hara'. I am sure I disappeared in the Light which many people speak about when they describe their experiences. I totally understand their feelings when they express they felt immersed in Love etc. It happened to me exactly the same. I know that Love myself. I didn't have any experience of meeting dead people or angels etc. but it is because in Zen we are trained to discard those intermediate experiences, that are called 'makyos' in Zen. But I understand those visions when they are described by people. For me, they are not the last reality, though. The last reality is the Light that most of them mention in their stories. The rest are like dreams, and they are not the most important matter. But I love the stories. Many of the persons who describe them put the emphasis on the descriptions when the really important thing is when they disappear in the Light. I suppose it happens to them but they cannot remember, because there is nothing you can say about it. What they experience before they get into the Light, is like the way towards It. I have not said anything about my way, because it would take too much time. I have related only the last thing, that happened when I was driving the car after the retreat. After that experience, many others came during several years, until consciously I prayed not to have more. They were too strong sometimes. I could not manage them. Now I don't have them anymore.

 Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?       Yes    During my Zen practice of the koans, I had many other experiences. One of them was even deeper. The rest were not as much. After 5 years I asked not to have more experiences and they ceased immediately. They never came back.

 Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?           Uncertain     It's probably impossible to provide accurate and comprehensive information about this

 Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire.       I don't see any other questions that can improve the questionnaire. It's very well done. If you need some more information or question you want to make, don't doubt to send them to me. Thank you.