Experience description:

This was an experience had by my Mother, now deceased. She died over 10 years ago. However this experience happened over 40 years ago, halfway through her life. After my father died a couple of years ago, myself and my siblings set about finally clearing the family home (last year). My mother had tons of diaries and reams of handwritten notes about all kinds, personal stuff and course notes - endless papers. She also wrote in short-hand so, much of it was lost to us as it's obsolete now. It took us weeks to clear it all. We decided we wouldn't read her diaries (she had asked before she died that we should dispose of them and not read) because she might have vented in there (as you do in diaries), and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings after she was gone, kind and considerate soul that she was.

So the point of the story is - I had remembered she once told me about this experience she had where she felt she had an NDE. I was sad I hadn't given it enough attention when she told me because I was a self-obsessed youth then. I knew it was so important to her though and it lodged in my subconscious as something of note. So we are clearing the home and somehow, plowing through (and binning) rooms and rooms of old things with my siblings, a tiny piece of perfectly clearly typed paper found its way into my hands without anyone else noticing. It was inside a book or somewhere random like that. On it was the record of what had happened to her. I was so pleased and smiled to myself, because I would have had absolutely no chance of picking this out of her boxes of handwritten diaries and folders of notes, there just wasn't enough time in the world. So, I made the internal promise to her to publish it and haven't told another soul what I am doing. Out of all my siblings, I would definitely be the best candidate to find it and give it some air, I think it would be brushed off by the others. I feel she put it into my hands. I just want to release it out there, for her and for anyone else it may touch. It may be not the most stunning story to be found on this site, but it matters nonetheless. As a tribute to the experience, I am typing this out on the Feast of The Sacred Heart - 11 June 2021, as my duty.

There is no official way to say she had an NDE, nothing medical was recorded. She had sleep apnoea and she felt this happened when she'd stopped breathing in her sleep. I just thank God she was sent back because my father was abusive and our lives would have been a living hell growing up without her. She was a very caring and nurturing mother. It seems to me, that the moment we were all set up in our lives as adults, she died, of a breathing related illness. She did her duty and took her leave, and I don't blame her for a moment if that was the case. This 'nde' happened when she was about 30 years old, with a houseful of babies, and then she died in her mid sixties.

When I went to retrieve the paper I found, I seem to have it together with a hand written sheet of hers recalling the same event, which I don't really remember finding but I will transcribe *both* accounts exactly as I find them, however similar, just to capture the record. Although, it sounds like sleep paralysis at first - it goes further.

***

(Type-written record)

NDE - June 1973 4th/5th?

Asleep - paralysis sensation - alarm awake - couldn't move an eyelash - fully conscious of position - couldn't call out - very frightening - as if I was seized by some occult being - afraid of evil - resisted in mind - then felt presence of peaceful spirit - as if I was alongside this good beautiful and trustworthy being - was informed that this is good and not to resist - felt this information being transmitted to my mind as if informed as if spoken into my ear - yet not particularly a voice - a knowledge - decided to let go as the presence was so beautiful and enriching - It was as if there were one or two even, and they were saying to me, can you let go?  I thought of my little children and felt I should stay and look after them but the experience was so powerfully overwhelming that I made a decision that yes, if I was dead, I could leave everything for this - it was the most exhilarating and positive experience I ever had in my life and I know I will never have it again while I live.

I felt I had died and it was as if I went down through the mattress as I could see the springs and then as if I rose upwards towards the ceiling - I knew my body was on the bed and I sensed myself speeding through a channel with this other being or beings and it was extremely fast and exciting. It was a higher sensation than any other I have ever experienced. It was as if I was in the presence of pure love I wanted to stay forever - although I was very frightened also of the Judgment I was about to receive - and did not feel at all worthy and I was afraid I may not be allowed stay or be sent to hell - it was very frightening feeling - It was as if I were on a wooden landing at the top of some stairway and I was waiting outside - I was very panicky as to what would happen to me - I was afraid I would be cast into hell - Then I was brought up to the ceiling and - there was no way I could do otherwise - my arms were put into the shape of a square - i was puzzled as to how that could be - but that is what happened - It was as if they were shaped into this square and I had to face the wall up at the top of it near the ceiling - I was scared out of my wits - I was scared of what I had to face.

Then the face of Jesus appeared - it was just like the one on the Sacred Heart picture. I felt very relieved and happy. It was a portrait - a picture - just the face - I looked for awhile and then was back in my body which was exactly in the same position I had left it. I was fully conscious of everything - my position in the bed everything was the same - I knew I could move but I didn't want to move in the slightest I wanted to hold on to it for as long as I could. I stayed extremely still my mind was fully focused on the whole happening and I was very quiet in my spirit.

Then from somewhere deep within me - as if down below my heart I sensed a voice speaking to me. It was a beautiful voice - all positive and calming - just talking to me like a good friend would - I wanted to stay there all the time. He spoke to me for a good while - and it intrigues me to this day because the memory of what he said is obliterated - I only know he spoke to me for ages as a beautiful friend would - The only thing that I can remember of it was that he said 'Tomorrow is my feast-day'.

I was aware of my teachings on my faith etc - I saw things differently - As if I was seeing reality - and somehow, although what I had learned was correct, my vision was off beam. I sensed pure love in its extremity. I lay there for a long time thinking of it all - I didn't want to move - it was so beautiful - My husband lay sleeping beside me - I didn't know how long I was away or anything - I didn't know what day it was - and I didn't care. I just knew that the picture of the Sacred Heart was downstairs in the junk room and I was going to go down and get it and put it on the wall in its proper place.

I woke Jim up and told him that something had happened to me - I tried to explain but he was not very reactive - I told him that he was to go down and get the picture and put it up on the wall there and then - This was before dawn - He said he would do it tomorrow but I said No - we are going down for it now - So we went downstairs and I looked around the room to see where the picture was - it was over at the right hand side of the mantle piece in the alcove with its face facing the wall - I put it on the mantle piece in the centre and promised that I would get it up on the wall that day. However, despite all my efforts the picture wasn't up on the wall until the following Monday evening. I came up against a lot of opposition but I persisted and was glad to get it done.

inset: When I woke Jim and told him what happened - I asked him what day is tomorrow. He said Friday - I said is it a Holy Day? - He said No - I said it must be - it's a feast-day - He said Oh yes, It is the feast of the Sacred Heart - That was the one in June. Because I wasn't aware of this before - I found this great confirmation that what had happened was true and not a dream or a hallucination. I fell deeply in love with God then and have been ever since. Nobody or nothing could ever match it.

N.B - This was the best thing that ever happened to me in my entire life. I will never forget it and I get great consolation from the memory whenever I think of it. I KNOW God loves me. I learned it before but I didn't KNOW it. Now I know. I know he loves everyone else the same - I don't know why this happened to me - because each of us is just as special as the next - I only know it did and I am thankful for it. I look forward to death as a release from this life (which is death) into life, reality - health - love - everything. I still fear that I won't make it into heaven - but I am going to try - I worry that I will have to try harder than everyone else because of what I now know.

***

(Hand written record)

It was a Thursday night and didn't know what day it was until afterwards as I began to think. I was asleep in bed beside Jim, I was on the window side. I felt a heavy supernatural force bearing down on me. I was paralyzed with fear fully awake in my mind but unable to move an eyelash. The only part of me which was normal and active was my mind. I was afraid it was an evil force binding me and trying to pull me apart. I fought it with my mind praying to God with all my mind to free me.

Then I felt a revealing message like 'It's alright Tessie, this is of the Lord. Will you let go?' I knew I had the decision and the atmosphere was most consoling and peaceable. I desired more than anything to go with although where I was going or what was happening I didn't know. Then I felt a break and I was out of my physical body and soaring through the air in a sense of complete and utter freedom and exquisite love and peace. It was a joyous and extremely love filled feeling, total love soaring. I, my mind, felt 'I am dead' but the 'messenger' with me still asked, Can you let go? I thought of my family but this was so wonderful I said 'Oh yes'. I know although I was afraid of my sinfulness that now that I made that decision to go, that I may be judged and go to hell. But the decision was made and I was very fearful then in the course of this fear and soaring exhilarating joy I felt drawn as if through a vacuum to a source.

I knew I was out of my body which was still on the bed but I had a body because my arms were forced into the shape of a square. I was up on the wall near the ceiling and my arms were in the shape of a square as my face looked at the blank wall. I knew I was to see something, I was afraid but then I saw the face of Jesus of the Sacred Heart - just a picture a beautiful picture framed with my arms.

Then I was back in my body in bed and I was in complete wonder and amazement. I lay there knowing I could move - not paralyzed but very tranquil

and quiet. I didn't move a muscle for ages. I felt deep inside my heart a voice, a man's soft gentle and strong voice talking to me telling me things as if in a conversation. I was listening, but now and immediately after the only thing I can remember was 'Tomorrow is my feast day'.

After a long time, I opened my eyes and I was in the exact place I knew I was in in the bed. Jim was asleep turned away from me towards the door. I woke him up and told him I had a dream, to get up and put up the picture of the Sacred Heart which was downstairs turned to the wall in the spare room. He said he wouldn't do it now he was too tired but I made him. This was near dawn. He placed the picture on the mantelpiece and said he would put it up on the wall tomorrow, he wanted to get a lamp for it. It took me all that weekend to get him to do the job and on Monday he finally hung the picture on the kitchen wall.

At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event?   Uncertain 

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body?   Yes  

Did you pass into or through a tunnel?   Uncertain   feeling of passing through a channel

Did you see an unearthly light?   No  

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?   I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)?   Yes  

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?   No  

Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience?   No  

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?   No

Did time seem to speed up or slow down?   Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?   No

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?   Uncertain  boundary in the form of a decision

Did you come to a border or point of no return?   I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will

Did scenes from the future come to you?  No 

What occurred during your experience included:   Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience   

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience?   I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience  
 
My experience directly resulted in:   Large changes in my life

Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience?   Yes  

Have you ever shared this experience with others?   Yes 

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?   Yes  

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:   Experience was definitely real  

What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time:   Experience was definitely real  

Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Yes  

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?   No