Marcella P's Experience
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Experience description:
Spiritually
Transformative experience, age 28:
At age 28, while employed in Hong Kong, I experienced a spiritually
transformative event, which I believe is directly related to my nde birth
experience.
The status of my health at the time of the experience was excellent.
The status of my health now (age 56) is excellent.
I was living and working in Hong Kong for a catering company. My life was happy,
I was completely healthy – no medical conditions whatsoever. I loved my job, had
a great roommate, and loved all things about living in Hong Kong. I was under no
stress in any area of my life – I was mentally stable, psychologically stable; I
did not take any drugs or medications, I did not drink at all, by this time.
While cleaning my apartment one day, while my roommate was on vacation, I
listened to a new music cassette tape. At the end of one song, the lyrics were
‘Open up to the Love of God, oh believe.’ At hearing this, I suddenly had the
experience of my mind ‘opening up’ to this suggestion, and I told myself (much
to my surprise), ‘That’s exactly what I need to do!’. There was a sense of
‘lightness’ about this thought, which was new to me. I then immediately thought
‘What a stupid idea, I’m not crazy’, and put it out of my mind. Over the next
few weeks, the words ‘the love of God’ continuously repeated in my mind, and I
mean continuously! If I wasn’t consciously thinking about something, those words
would pop in, going round and round, driving me crazy.
I began to start thinking about soul, death, afterlife, sin. I wondered if these
things were really real, and if they were, what about me? Where would I end up
if they were? I began to get extremely concerned about these thoughts – even my
boss at work noticed the change in me – so I decided to buy some books which
would convince me that these things were crazy. I bought the books that said
religion was false, Jesus never existed, etc. I read them, but still could see
through them, I knew that they were wrong. All the while I began to see and hear
everywhere I went, something about God, Jesus, faith, love; I would pick up a
magazine, and something was there about God. I would look at the side of a bus,
and there was an ad for a spiritual group meeting. I even began to feel an
invisible presence near me almost all the time – I often would turn around on
the street as I felt someone was ‘just there’ behind me – they were there but I
couldn’t see them.
I decided to finally buy a Bible, and that would convince me that this was all
false. I bought the Bible, read it, (as a Catholic, my parents did not allow us
individual Bibles – per Church teaching. We only knew about scriptures from what
was read out at Mass [i.e., not much], or what was quoted in a Jesus film); and
immediately had the strong conviction that this was true.
I then decided that if the Bible held real truth, I was missing something and
decided to begin going to Mass again. I had only been going to Catholic Mass for
Christmas and Easter, since my teen years. I went to a Catholic church near my
apartment. As I sat in the Church, the Mass was almost over. I remember
thinking, ‘Well, this is just as boring as I ever remember it being – I guess I
made a mistake in coming here.’ Suddenly the priest raised the Host and recited
the words, ‘Lord, I am not worthy to receive You, but only say the words, and I
shall be healed.’ At that exact moment, the space above me suddenly opened up
into Heaven. I did not ‘see’ Heaven, but I felt all its power and glory above my
head. I knew, absolutely knew, that if I looked up, I would see Heaven and I
would die from it. There was so much spiritual power above me, that I physically
began shaking. This intense power remained above me, and I internally realized
the distance between me – the ego me – and divinity, spirit, God, holiness.
Although I now know that this separation is not “Real” in terms of Ultimate
Reality, that “sin” is only the human sensation of separation from
God/Reality/Truth, but at the time, this was my spiritual starting point – I
needed to realize that there was a something Other than what I then knew and
experienced. Before we can know our True Selves, I feel it is important for us
to initially know and experience that we are Not our True Selves – and from
there we can progress spiritually to becoming who and what we are in Spirit. At
that time, this Divine Power shook my entire being – mind, body, soul,
consciousness. I was fixed to the spot where I was kneeling. I was time for me
to move out into the aisle to take Communion, and I had difficulty moving
physically, as I was shaking so much. I looked around, and no one was even aware
that this Power was present!!! Still to this day I can’t imagine that no one
else present was aware of this. At the time, all I could think of doing was to
throw myself down on the floor of that church and worship God. How I refrained
from it, I still don’t know. Back in the pew, I thought that I needed to speak
with someone about this. I looked up to the priest, and suddenly the words in my
head were ‘He doesn’t see.’
I was a complete illiterate about anything religious or spiritual, and yet at
that moment I understood completely what it meant, ‘He doesn’t see’. Upon
leaving the Church, the words ‘You need to pray” kept repeating in my head. In
the foyer, I picked up a small prayer booklet. At home, I opened it up and began
to leaf through it. I said to myself, again, these prayers are just boring, they
don’t seem to be anything special to me. As I then turned the page, I came to a
prayer which was written in the form of a letter to the reader from Jesus. The
prayer began, ‘My dear Child’…
The very instant I began reading those words, I heard them in the voice of
Jesus. He spoke those words to me. It was His voice, not mine, not just any
words in my head. The tears began streaming from my eyes, without my even being
aware of it. I was instantly upon my knees, with my face to the floor. I said,
“Dear Jesus, I don’t understand what’s been happening to me these past few
months, but if You want me, here I am.”
At that instant, (what I now relate all seemed to happen in less than 1/1000 of
a second, and happened all at once, as well) the Real, Living Presence of Jesus
appeared. He was more alive than anything in this Universe. His being was All
Power, Glory, Light, and Love, I imagine that this is how He appeared to the
Apostles after His resurrection. The Power radiating from Him was enough to
blast the entire Universe apart. He appeared in the shape of a human body, but
the Glory was so intense that I did not ‘see’ any things such as hair color,
facial features, clothing. Every cell in my body recognized Him, and there was
the strong awareness that I had known Him for eternity.
It's difficult to describe, but His ‘Jesus-ness’ was so intense - He radiated
every ounce of His ‘Being-ness, Human-ness as Jesus-on-this-earth, that there
was no mistaking who He was. It was impossible not to know that He was Jesus,
and there was no other being in this Universe that He could be mistaken for.
When he appeared, at that instant what was known as my ‘mind’, simply stopped
working. It simply ceased to exist, was ‘stunned into silence’, as Dr Hawkins
says in one of his lectures. This was a very literal, specific occurrence. If I
had had the capacity to look onto the floor, I’m sure I would have seen what was
‘my’ ‘mind’ lying there, dead – the spiritual power and intensity which was
present simply wiped out any power of mind.
Jesus then radiated (Like a nuclear blast is radiated into the atmosphere!) LOVE
such as no one can imagine, into the area of my heart. At this time, I had no
knowledge of anything like my own body. I have the strong impression that my
physical body no longer was functioning – I knew that my physical eyes were not
seeing this, and knew that if they had been, they would have been burned out
from the glory. It is true that a physical body cannot be in the presence of God
and survive. I knew that I was seeing this with spiritual eyes. And my physical
eyes ‘knew’ this – I don’t know how, but that is definite.
The LOVE continued to radiate into the area of my heart – the physical
body-heart or the spiritual body-heart, I can’t tell even now – and there was a
sense of absolute astonishment as to how the entire Universe was not being
radiated with this LOVE at the same time as well, but into my own heart the LOVE
continued to pour. The ecstasy of this was unbearable, unbearable. Love is a
meager word to describe what was being poured into me….I cannot find another
word for it. It was unbearable ecstasy of Eternal Love.
Up to this time, there was some sense of these events happening to something
called a “body”, an “ego-me” – suddenly there was only the LIGHT of DIVINITY –
and the LOVE of DIVINITY – this was EveryWhere, and NoWhere – there was no thing
which was not Divine – and there were no “things’ - the “I” that had been ‘me’
no longer existed, there was only “SELF” in this DIVINE ETERNAL LIGHT and LOVE –
and that is All There IS. All form is Divine Light and Love. Non-form is Divine
Light and Love. “SELF” is Divine Light and Love. Only the Eternity of Love and
Light existed – no separate universes, no separate worlds, no separate nations,
no separate people, no separate individuals – but all universes, worlds,
nations, peoples, individuals, were in this SELF which was an ETERNITY OF LOVE
LIGHT DIVINITY. All was SELF, and SELF was DIVINTY and LIGHT and LOVE. This
presence of SELF existed in the Eternity of LOVE and LIGHT for Eternity.
This LIGHT and LOVE was Alive, Knowing, Silent, Peaceful, All-Power,
Silvery-white BEAUTIFULNESS which extended for ETERNITY.
>From “nowhere” (?), from “the ego that still existed” (?), from Jesus Himself
(?) came the thought, “If this continues, you will die”. Instantaneously, the
mind came back, the ego came back, “I” came back, the body came back. The ego
became afraid of death, and “I” said “Lord Jesus, I’m afraid, please make this
stop”. For many many years I was confused as to who it was who had communicated
this statement to me – was it the Devil? An Angel? I know now that this
statement was Divinity’s way of communicating to me whether I wished to choose
earthly life, or to remain in Divinity. It was my choice, karmically, whether to
continue on into Eternity, or return to a bodily-existence. As the mind, body
and consciousness slowly came back to “earth”, after making my choice to do so,
the glorious, exquisitely gentle, light as a feather and All-Powerful presence
of Jesus slowly “melted” away from me – as if it could not bear to be separated
from me!!! It was exactly like melting snow – soft, gentle, but All-Powerful –
that separation was one of the most beautiful, and at the same time most
painful, of spiritual experiences.
I have no conscious recollection of how long this experience took, or whether
the body was even conscious or alive at that time. The days and months
immediately following this experience were traumatic, but magnificent at the
same time. It seemed as if my entire body had been changed – I thought
differently, experienced events and emotions differently, physically felt
different – all more acute and intense. Living in a tropical location was
difficult – the intense sunlight was almost unbearable – I remember often how
going out into the sunlight would feel almost “blinding” – yet the colors were
glorious and intense – almost unreal in intensity. Flourescent lights are
everywhere in Hong Kong, also, and this caused discomfort. I desperately sought
for a quiet place – in a city with a population of millions! I would frequently
go to the Zoo in Hong Kong, and found a bench in a shady location which was
somewhat isolated – this became my meditation garden.
I believe that I was in the body for the first part of the experience, then out
of body/lost all awareness of the physical body in the second part of the
experience when the self went into Eternity.
In terms of this experience, I did not experience the presence of deceased
persons, darkness, landscape, city, void, special knowledge, life review, or
vision of the future.
In terms of this experience, I did experience a ‘boundary’ – I believe that I
was given the choice to either return to this life, or remain in Eternity, and
end this life, when I heard the statement spoken to me – “If this continues, you
will die.”
In terms of this experience, there was an overwhelming emotional tone of Love,
Ecstasy, Peace.
This experience had an immediate, and continuous on-going effect on
relationships with family members. I became a spiritual/religious fanatic after
this experience. This alienated family members, and subsequent individuals in
the various religious groups with which I was affiliated. My family, to this day
for the most part, believes that I had a nervous breakdown in Hong Kong. They
also have told me many times that I am mentally ill, and on one occasion both my
mother and father told me that they wanted me to seek professional mental help,
as they believed I was mentally ill.
Most painful was to have church leaders, teachers, and friends within religious
organizations who treated me as if I was a ‘problem’, ‘insubordinate’, and ‘just
plain crazy’. I was asked to put myself under the ‘instruction’ of an older
woman while in the Assembly of God Church, for supposed ‘insubordination’ to the
Pastor – I was complaining that members of the Church were not ‘on fire enough
to my liking; I was also asked to step down from the board of elders at the
Messianic Congregation, as they did not feel I was a good religious example. I
had at this time left my employment, and was basically meditating all day, and
living what I now see as an ‘ascetic’ lifestyle.
I have had a couple of friends hint the same to me as well, that I should seek
professional mental help. This may have been beneficial for me at one time, I
can now admit, but I have been able with the grace of Divinity to work through
much of those difficulties.
My employment since this experience has, in my own thinking, been a disaster.
Since the experience, I have had the strong feeling that I have been called to
some type of ministry, calling, etc., but I have never been able to determine
which direction that is. I have sought, prayed, fasted, meditated, read books,
joined prayer groups, gone on retreats, all in an effort to determine which
direction my calling is in. I have recently had three interesting experiences,
which have given me hope in that direction. I sought in vain for some type of
direction, and took jobs such as working for a printer/copy company, working as
a home health aide, doing temporary office work. I have always felt, up to
today, that I have not fulfilled or successfully used my talents in the area of
employment. I have always felt that I have worked ‘below’ my talents and
capacities in this area. This has been a great source of embarrassment and
distress for me over the years.
I spent two years in Hong Kong, and then returned to Buffalo. Through a series
of events, my employment ended with this company. My father was angry with me
for a long time, and felt that I was supposed to have remained with this
company. I also have felt that it may have been a ‘mistake’ for me to have left
the company. Are ‘mistakes’ possible in the spiritual realm? I don’t know, but
looking back I feel that my path was in that direction, and I failed to take it.
Currently in my job as a Medical Assistant, I have been told that “God wants you
here”, whenever I complain or get depressed about where I am and what I am doing
as employment. This area in particular has been a major issue for me, one that I
have spent a long time praying for direction about.
To this day, I still feel strongly that I have not fulfilled or met my purpose
for this life. However, there have been events happen (dreams, communication
through written materials, etc) that have given me hope that I have a future
purpose that is yet to be fulfilled.
The changes resulting from the experience have been at times incredibly
frustrating and painful, depressing, and also beautiful, soul-stirring and
uplifting. I have had mixed changes – both internally and externally with
others, family, job, life-purpose, religious and spiritual belief systems. In
short, every area of my life has been in constant change and upheaval, on and
off, since the experience at age 28.
Over time, the changes in family relationships have lessened in intensity; the
changes in friends and social relationships have stayed the same (which is not
good, per my estimate); the changes in life purpose have been improving since
the experience; the changes in belief system have been constantly improving
since the experience; thee changes in spiritual experiences and growth has been
constantly changing for the better since the experience.
My spiritual experience at age 28 was neither consciously nor deliberately
induced.
After the experience at age 28, I considered the contents of my experience to be
extremely wonderful, also puzzling as I did not understand how/why this
incredible event had just seemed to ‘happen’ to me out of nowhere; I have
struggled greatly with the guilty and depression of having chosen to come back
to this life; I have struggled with the seeming fact that I have not used this
experience as well as I would have hope, especially for the benefit of others –
I struggle internally with the thought of “What have I done for others with this
miraculous experience?” I do not consider the contents of my experience at age
28 to be frightening in any way; except that the spiritual power which comes up
on occasion is frightening in its power and intensity.
>From a spiritual point of view, since age 28, I have had multiple spiritual
experiences which are a direct relation to the vision/transformative event.
Following are multiple examples of these experiences:
There were no associated medications or substances at the time of my experience
at age 28 with the potential to affect the spiritual experience.
This experience has been incredibly difficult to express in words. When I was
first at New Life Assembly, I was asked to give my ‘testimony’. I was unable to
physically speak of the experience, except to say “I saw Jesus! I saw the
Light!”. It has taken about 25 years for the experience to be ‘downloaded’ into
me – I think that I had to grow into it. I have also been growing back into
acceptance of what the experience really meant – in that Presence of Jesus and
into Eternity, there was no dogma, no belief system, no religion, no catechism,
no doctrine. I am working on growing into the spiritual purity of the Love that
was shown to me, in order to live it out every day for others.
At the time of this spiritual experience at age 28, there was no associated life
threatening event.
My level of consciousness during the experience was EXTREME consciousness – have
never equaled it again so far. My level of alertness during the experience was
also EXTREME – have occasionally equaled it again in some spiritual experiences
I have had to this date.
The spiritual experience at age 28 was not dream-like in any way.
At the time of the spiritual experience, I experienced not necessarily a
separation of my consciousness from my body, but a complete loss of awareness of
the body and mind. While in Eternity, there was no knowledge or memory of a
body, a mind, a separate consciousness.
The emotions which I felt during the experience were an ecstasy so strong that
it was unbearable, and felt that the body would die from it; there was also the
most powerful feeling of Love which I have yet to experience again; there was
also the “emotion” of Peace during the time of Eternity – hard to describe but
it was a Silence that was felt as an emotion.
During this experience, I did recognize Eternity, while part of it; there were
no other locations such as Heaven, Hell, Hades. I did not experience a
traditional “Heaven” as known through Biblical teachings. I do not know whether
the Eternity I experienced was part of Heaven, or separate from it.
I did not encounter any locations inhabited by incredible or amazing creatures.
During the experience, the Love that Jesus poured into my heart was “All” Light
– the most blindingly brilliant Light one could imagine. With the intensity of
several millions of atomic bombs. Subsequently, when He has appeared in any way
to me, it has always been in this brilliant Light. Eternity was an alive Light,
and an alive Love, again both as brilliant as that of Jesus.
During this experience, I met only Jesus. He was known to me more certainly than
I know myself! He did not speak to me while I was in His presence; at that time,
every cell in my body knew who He was.
During this experience, I did not experiment while out of body or in another
altered state. I did not attempt to visit a family member or friend at another
location.
During this experience, I did not eyewitness an event that I would not have
known about had I not been out of body.
During this experience, I did not attempt to move a physical object while in the
astral/etheric universe.
During this experience, I did not observe or hear anything regarding people or
events during my experience that could be verified later.
During this experience, I did notice how my 5 senses were working. Vision was
extremely sharp, and notably it was not vision with the eyes. As stated
previously, the physical eyes in the body knew that the spiritual eyes were
seeing something, but could not register what was happening. There was some type
of sense of touch operating, as I could seemingly ‘feel’ the entrance of the
Love/Light from Jesus entering the body – whether it was a physical body, or
etheric body, I can’t tell. Initially it could have been the physical body,
because there was the sense that the body would die from this ecstasy. The Peace
and Silence while in Eternity were something palpable, and very real – one could
‘hear’ the Peace and ‘hear’ the Silence – they were both alive.
During this experience, time stopped the very second I heard Jesus speak the
words ‘My dear Child’. There was no longer time when Jesus appeared, and then
into Eternity there was absolutely no time present at all. Also, the presence of
time was very distorted when I experienced the Love being ‘melted’ away from me.
This seemed also to be outside of time.
During this experience, I noticeably did not have an experience of ‘knowing All
knowledge’ while in Eternity. I experience ‘being All’, rather than ‘knowing
All’. While in Eternity, I experienced All things as One, which could be said to
be universal order. There was nothing that is, that wasn’t present in Eternity
as the ‘Self’ that was me.
Hearing the words ‘If this continues, you will die’, was definitely a boundary,
but not a limiting physical structure. I strongly believe that if I had agreed
to the experience continuing, that the body would have died.
I did not become aware of future events during this experience. Notably, on
March 14th of 2017, during sleep, the following was spoken to me: “In October
(of 2017), you will be rewarded with great clarity of vision.”
During this experience, I did not hear any unusual sounds or noises other than
the voice of Jesus speaking the words ‘My dear Child’.
I was involved in the decision regarding the decision to return to my body.
Additionally, I have always had a sense of ‘anger’ at this point – here I was a
complete ignorant in spiritual things, and was instantaneously thrown into this
‘spiritual event’ with no knowledge of it, or what to do about it. I always wish
that I had been given an explanation of what was being said to me – how did I
know what that meant, ‘If this continues you will die’. Where were all the
angels or other beings who should have explained to me what was happening, and
that it might be best to choose the words, ‘Okay, I’ll let it continue!”. My
emotions on this point have always been mixed – why was it given to me when I
was completely ignorant of spiritual things?
I definitely did have psychic, paranormal, and spiritual gifts following the
experience at age 28. Some examples are including below, but they include:
having dreams which come true, knowing the thoughts and feelings of others,
experiencing the emotions of others, as well as animals; levitation; light
episodes – experiencing light emanating from others, and myself; encounters with
dark spiritual entities; rebuking dark entities from other human beings;
experiencing healing energies; etc.
My entire world view was changed due to this experience, and continues to
change. My views on politics, religion, society, family, God, faith, death,
mankind, have been continuously changing since the experience.
The experience has negatively (I believe, up to this time) affected family
relationships; and negatively affected friendships. My religious practices have
been in an almost constant state of change and growth since this experience –
they have included growing through Roman Catholicism, Pentecostalism, Messianic
Judaism, Buddhism; I have been learning and growing spiritually almost non-stop
(and loving every minute of it!).
My career choices have suffered, I believe, due to the experience. I was so
focused on spiritual things, that I neglected the day-to-day career choices I
probably should have made.
I made one attempt to share this experience with family – did not go over well.
I made one attempt to share with my Aunt – she said to me, ‘Oh, so and so was
baptized in the Holy Spirit, too.” Then she dismissed my account. I have shared
with two other people in a religious setting – they were positive and accepting.
I once shared my story with publicly at the Salvation Army – I was told
afterward by the director, “You didn’t have to go into that much detail”. Didn’t
go over too well, I assume!!! I recently sent my account to PMH Atwater, for use
in her book on premature-infants and nde’s. As far as I know, no one has been
positively affected by my spiritual experience, either at birth or subsequently
at age 28. I often think of George Ritchie’s account in his book, where he
mentions that he tried several times to relate his experience, all with failure,
until he felt that Spirit opened the doors for him, and then he had success. I
feel somewhat that this may be the case for me, as well.
Emotions following my experience have ranged from joy and wonder, initially, all
the way down to severe depression and guilt – not forgiving myself for coming
back.
The best part of my experience was having had it at all!!! How blessed I am to
have seen what I saw, and experience what I did of Eternity. How I wish that the
whole world could have experienced it along with me. The worst part was
integrating myself back into life, and forgiving myself for the choice I made.
Also, for forgiving myself in being just human as I have grown over the years –
allowing myself to make spiritual mistakes.
My whole life has changed due to this experience – all areas are so different
from what they might have been, had it not happened.
Since the experience happened, I have not had any other events in my life,
(apart from ongoing spiritual experiences), medications, or substances which
reproduced any part of the experience.
Following are some examples of spiritual experiences that I have had following
the experience at age 28:
Within a couple of months after this experience, I became very afraid that I
would “lose” this experience – at that time I did not know how it had arrived in
my life, and whether or not it would just “leave”. I asked fervently to be shown
that I would not be “abandoned” spiritually. One day, I opened the Bible, and my
eye fell upon the verse in Isaiah: “And though the Lord give you the bread of
adversity, and the water of affliction, yet shall not thy teachers be removed
into a corner any more, but thine eyes shall see thy teachers: And thine ears
shall hear a word behind thee, saying, This is the way, walk ye in it, when ye
turn to the right hand, and when ye turn to the left”. As my eyes fell onto this
verse, these words suddenly became LIGHT. They were burned into me. This verse
would become literally true in my spiritual walk, many times.
While living in Hong Kong, I traveled to Lhasa, Tibet, during vacation. I had no
knowledge of Buddhism at that time, only my Catholic background, in terms of
religion. My guide was from Nepal, and during the trip asked me if we could stop
at a monastery which was not on the tour so that he could visit a friend who was
a monk. I told him this was fine, so we traveled to this monastery. With my tour
guide and his friend in conversation, as I looked at this monk, I suddenly saw
bright beams of silvery light flowing from his eyes (I have seen this on several
other occasions with other individuals). I asked my guide if the monks, and this
monk in particular, had ever heard of Jesus. He replied that “yes, they knew
about Jesus through the talks they have had with Western tourists”. Prior to
this I had only experienced this LIGHT within and radiating from myself, and
others I knew to be believers in Jesus. I was astounded that I was seeing this
same Light in someone who was not a believer in Jesus – and a Buddhist no less –
I was very puzzled for a long time as to why this would be.
After an extremely disturbing event concerning a family member, I had the
following experience: One night, while sleeping, I saw the words, which were
hanging in a sky-filled dark space – “THE LORD IS MY LIGHT AND MY SALVATION,
WHOM SHALL I FEAR?” I stood, as if suspended in this dark night space. I saw
that these words were on fire, each word was alive, and as my eye fell upon each
word as I silently read the word, a LIGHT and FIRE would shoot from each word
into my being, and an absolute ecstasy would enter into me. In the spaces
between each word, which was about a millisecond long, I would seem to return to
the normal body experience. It was almost as if I was being electrocuted, then
the current was turned off for a second, then electrocuted again, then the
current turned off, etc. etc. I read the word, LIGHT and FIRE and ECSTASY
entered, then normal consciousness, then the process would happen again, word
after word, until the sentence was finished. It was EXQUISITE (!) and GLORIOUS
(!) and painful when it was an in-between time, between each word. It sounds
crazy, but the experience was INEFFABLE.
I was guided to help some individuals with mental illness, and was spiritually
able to command lower astral and demonic spirits to leave the bodies of
afflicted individuals. I was enabled to pray over individuals for their physical
healing. One notable event, when praying for an individual afflicted with both
mental illnesses and demonic afflictions, my hands were nearly crushed when a
lower astral/demonic entity left this individuals’ body – I had mistakenly been
holding the individual’s hands to comfort them, while praying. This individual
nearly jumped off the couch due to the force of the event, and the super-human
strength going out through this person nearly crushed the bones in my hands.
During these years, I worked as a home-health aide. During my initial training,
a Nurse was asked, What do we do if someone dies while we are there? The Nurse
quickly replied not to worry, it almost never happens, and a Nurse is there –
you’ll probably never have to experience that. Right in my head was the Voice,
telling me that it was going to be different for me. True to its word, I seemed
to be always at the home of someone either in the process of dying, with only a
short time to live, or someone died while I was there in the home, or someone
died just a week or so after I left their care. It was a blessing to me that
even the Nurses noticed that I was able to handle the event of caring for a
dying patient, and asked me if they could request me for any terminally ill
patients. I was pleased to help them.
I was in the home of an elderly woman when she died – no friends, or family ever
came to see her. I was not concerned to be with her body while waiting for the
Nurse and EMT’s to arrive, I was able to hold her hand and pray for her when her
time came. I helped the Nurse when she arrived, and the Nurse anxiously asked me
if I would like some counseling or time off afterward. I was fine, I told her
(wondering why someone would need time off, or counseling? It did not seem a
traumatic event to me – this beautiful elderly woman was now at peace – who
needs counseling for that?)
I was in the home of a young man dying of AIDS – at the time I cared for him, he
was almost unable to speak – I attempted one conversation, to tell him that God
was beautiful and loved him very much, and that Jesus was beautiful and loved
him very much. Jesus’ came to this planet to show us his love – nothing to fear
at all when we went to the other side. He then spoke with me, and was fairly
lucid, enough to say that yes, he believed in Jesus’ love, and knew that Jesus
would take care of him at the end. This man died one week after I left his care.
I was blessed when a woman dying of cancer asked her family and the Nurse to
make sure that I was present when she died – she wanted me to be there, no
matter what. I was in her home when she passed away – all morning she had the
‘death rattle’. She was a large woman, and the cancer had caused her so much
pain that she declined any bathing for the last couple of weeks. When the Nurse
arrived, the Nurse asked me to bathe the body as best I could, so that her
family could come in and see her in a clean state. She had lost a lot of bodily
fluids and functions at the time of her death, as well. I walked down the hall,
asking Jesus to please not bring her back to life just at this time as I was
cleaning her, as He would then most likely find me immediately in His presence,
due to the shock of the event!! I was able to wash her body well enough to
present a clean situation for her family – no problems. I was brought to tears
when this woman’s daughters thanked me profusely, and one of them, with tears,
asked me “How can you do this? How does someone find the strength and love to do
this?” I was too choked up at the time to respond, but I believe I gave her some
kind of answer regarding LOVE.
On the evening of the Messianic Jewish Congregation Yom Kippur celebration, I
had decided that this would be my last evening with this Congregation. After
leaving the building, I stood outside at the mailbox in front. I held the
letters in my hand, and said a final prayer – “Lord, I surrender this to you –
If this is a mistake, let me know now, and I will change everything”. I suddenly
saw in front of my eyes a picture of a page from a book read long ago. The page
had been highlighted in yellow by myself. The book was written by a Christian
missionary, and his theme was that in the search for your “place” in ministry
(which I had been searching for from day One), you must consider that “God may
place your ministry outside of any formal religious denomination, Church,
religious body, or organization”. I saw this point highlighted, and magnified
before me. My heart was calmed, I dropped the letters in the box, and said
goodbye.
Sometime after leaving the Messianic Congregation, I began to experience a fear
coming up in my life on a very frequent basis. It seemed that everywhere I
looked, there was the picture, or movie, or advertisement, or newspaper article,
showing a large ocean-tanker, the Lusitania liner, or the Titanic. At each time
I saw this image, a great terror would shoot up within me, from the pit of my
stomach. My palms would start to sweat, and I felt an overwhelming sense of
panic rising up in me. Often I would leave the room or area in which this image
was in – I could not even stand to look at the picture. I would start to be
careful even in turning the pages of a magazine, in case I would turn the page,
and there would be the picture of a tanker, ocean-liner, etc. I know this sounds
bizarre, but these images were showing up everywhere in my life. Since I had
lived my life for so many years in such peace, this fear was very disturbing. I
prayed, meditated, sought spiritual guidance as to how I should deal with this.
As I was reading more and more material on near-death experiences, I learned
that phobias are often a result of an unresolved issue from the death of a
previous life. At this time, I was not a “believer” in previous lives – I wasn’t
against it, but did not hold it as a truth in my own life. I came across a book
by Dr Brian Weiss on previous lives, which included a CD for regressing to past
lives. I was becoming more and more anxious regarding this phobia, and only
wanted the fear to go away. I attempted to solve it myself – I resolved to go to
my local library, and take out several books on the Titanic – I just “happened”
to know where they were on the shelves – I had passed their location one day,
and the fear and panic rose up once again. So on this day, I marched into the
library, walking to the shelves in question. As I got closer and closer, I
nearly passed out from the panic – I couldn’t do it! I couldn’t go any closer,
and felt an actual panic attack coming on, overwhelming me. I practically ran
out of that library in tears.
I prayed intensely for the protection of Jesus, and asked him that I would be
able to use the CD from Dr Weiss – I only wanted the fear to go away. I began to
listen to the CD each day. By this time, I had something of an “inner knowing”
that this fear had much to do with the Titanic in particular. I prayed in a
heartfelt manner to Jesus, asking him that in some way, though I did not believe
in past lives, that He could just remove the fear, the panic. I also told him
that if I were to somehow see the sinking of the Titanic, that I would not be
able to survive if I had to relive that event, and could He somehow allow the
fear to go away, without living through an event such as that, again.
A short time later, I had a dream. I was standing in a bedroom of a type of
ocean liner – the windows were the familiar round portholes. I noticed out the
window that it was daytime – the sky was blue, the sun was shining. I felt as if
this was a good sign, somehow. I looked toward the door – they were the familiar
swinging doors, both sides with a porthole, which are found on most boats.
Coming through those doors, from top to bottom, was a deluge of icy-black,
greenish water. I looked toward my right side, and saw a suitcase opened. On top
of the clothing was a heavy knit sweater, which my mother was knitting for my
father at that time. It was a distinctive pattern – grey, with large red trim in
a star-shape around the neck and sleeves. The wool was called “Icelandic wool”,
as it came from sheep in Iceland, and was waterproof. In this dream, I said to
myself, “I’d better put everything on, it’s going to be cold.” Suddenly, I was
outside the ship, in the water, with a small group of people. The sun was
shining, and the sky was blue. Along the water came a yellow school bus, which
stopped in front of us. The doors opened, and we got in. The dream ended.
I was impressed by this dream, but the ego part of me became upset. Here I was
so anxious, praying, trying to deal with this issue spiritually, and had
received a dream that seemed to make no sense – a yellow school bus? How foolish
– what in the world could this mean? It’s stupid and makes no sense. These words
were hardly even out of my mouth, literally, when I suddenly saw in front of my
eyes the page in your book “Coming Back To Life”, which describes the function
of yellow in the out-of-body and near-death experiences. I understood that
Spirit was teaching me that I had just been in the “school” of these
experiences. I repented of my impetuousness and ignorance.
Not long again after this dream, while asleep, I was suddenly climbing a ladder,
surrounded by dark, greenish-freezing water. An arm plunged through this water,
pulling me upwards. This arm was glowing, white, and seemed to have the
appearance of the arm of an angel. I had been climbing down the wrong way on the
ladder, not able to see in the blackness of the water. Next, I was above in the
air, the scene below me – it was nighttime, and very dark. I was looking down
upon a small group of individuals, huddled together in water. They were all
wearing large grey life-jackets. One of the individuals – a male - was looking
up to the sky. I was acutely aware that if I simply shifted my consciousness, I
would take in the sight of the Titanic sinking, off to the left of my vision. I
was strongly conscious that I did not want to do this, and focused again down at
the group of individuals in the water. Someone was with me up above, and told me
to “Look at his face”. I focused my consciousness again on the man, and saw that
his face was like one who was mentally unbalanced by the terror and fear of
death. I have never seen anything like the look on this man’s face: sheer
terror. As I looked into this face, I recognized myself – it was as if I was
simply looking into a mirror – this man, dying in the water after the sinking of
the Titanic – was myself in my previous life. I knew this completely. I knew
that this man was a British worker on the Titanic. I knew that I was that
British man, who had worked on the Titanic, in my previous life. I had the sense
as well, though not strongly, that I was running away from my life, as I knew it
at that time – running away from family and responsibility. Nothing more was
shown to me after this.
Since that time, I have no fear when encountering any images of ships, the
Titanic in particular. At the time of the 100th anniversary of the Titanic
sinking, I was actually able to watch the entire movie “The Titanic” – I was so
proud of myself! No white knuckles, no curling up into a ball with fear! I was
literally scanning the scenes of the ship, hoping to catch something with which
I would be familiar – but no such luck. I have the sense, although it was not
made clear to me when reviewing my previous death in that lifetime, that I
worked below decks, and would not have often gone up to the higher decks. I
believe that this episode of spiritually conquering the fear of “death” in the
previous lifetime, was an important part of growing into the initial spiritual
experience in Hong Kong, where I was unable to spiritually progress due to the
fear of “death” at that time, as well.
While watching a program on interviews with survivors of the Titanic, to
commemorate the 100th anniversary of the sinking, I was struck with the
recollection from a survivor named Eva Park, who was a young girl at the time of
the sinking. She recalled how she was always unable to look at photos of the
Titanic due to her strong emotions – I was struck with how similar that was to
myself – I also was almost physically unable to look at a photo of either the
Titanic, or any other large ship, such as a tanker.
Because of being aware of the beings, energies, and multitude of spiritual
levels which exist, I have always been cautious of getting involved in
activities which claim to activate, engage with, or manipulate these beings,
energies. However, during a time of feeling “stuck”, and needing a spiritual
push, I attended three energy-healing sessions given by a local practitioner of
a certain popular spiritual pathway. During the first session, I experienced a
strong sense of a large beam of light being “beamed” from underneath my back (I
was lying on my back on a table), through my body at the point of my navel, and
extending up and outward through the ceiling of the room. After the session, I
asked the individual performing the sessions if she had at any time gone
underneath the table, and perhaps laid her hands on the area below the table
where my back was located. This individual stated that they had not done any
work below the table – the hands had been over the top of my body only. Driving
home from the first session (three were ‘mandatory’), I had to stop the car
suddenly due to the actions of another driver. Without thought, words of
annoyance came out, directed at the other driver – “Oh, come on!” Instantly, as
these words were said, I experienced the literal presence of a spiritual being
beside me, in the passenger seat area. The air in that space was suddenly filled
with sparkles, and this being communicated telepathically to me a sense of
bemused dismay that I would send out negativity to soon after my peaceful energy
session.
The second session I went quickly into a deep, calm meditative state. Quietly,
the following words were spoken to me: “We don’t have to do the work of
breathing in and out anymore – it’s not necessary”. At this statement, I smiled
to myself and felt much joy. By this point, my breathing had become slower and
slower, and it was physically easier and more pleasant in between each breath,
as I began to actually feel the uncomfortable labor of breathing. At the time,
this seemed to be an invitation to me to leave the body.
At the third session, I was restless, felt uncomfortable, and the session felt
as if it lasted forever – but not in a pleasant way. I felt almost relieved when
it was over. At the close of this session, the individual performing these
sessions asked me several times what information I had to share regarding my
experiences at this, and all three, sessions. This person then informed me that
they were not supposed to share any of their own thoughts, feelings, or
experiences to the one having the sessions, so as not to add their own biases to
the sessions. With tears in this individuals’ eyes, they informed me that at the
second session, they saw “coming from behind me, at the level of my back, angel
wings were just beginning to open up”. I was startled by this, and mumbled
something about “yes, there have been many references in my spiritual journey
regarding wings, flying, flying away, etc”. I did not know how to respond at
that time, and I currently still do not know what to make of this event. I have
had no personal spiritual confirmation of this event, and so I merely hold it as
“an interesting spiritual event”. I personally make no claims regarding this
event – I have never shared this specific event with anyone else. Interestingly,
though, Dr. Hawkins has confirmed through consciousness-testing techniques that
the realm of the angelic is a spiritual level that is attainable by humans as we
progress spiritually.
Also at the close of these sessions, the individual performing the
energy-healing sessions told me that, as far as far as this person could
remember, this was the only session they had ever done in which their hands had
not felt warm, but remained cool throughout each session. At many times during
these sessions, I could definitely feel heat radiating to my body and aura.
Regarding OBE, I have experienced this often since age 28. At one time, during
sleep, I was suddenly conscious of returning into my body. I was out-of-body,
hovering over the body on the bed. Just as a feather floats down in the air, and
sways from side to side, just like that, the etheric body floated back into the
body, yet swaying down from side to side. It was a fairly bumpy motion as I
re-entered the body. I awoke with a jolt, and said to myself – “Well that was a
bumpy landing!”
A second time, nighttime, as I was entering back into the body, I was again
aware of the etheric body hovering over the body on the bed. As I awoke
suddenly, I experienced my ‘self’ as both the body in the bed and the etheric
body over the physical body. There was a strong confusion at the time, as I was
not sure which direction I was supposed to be going in, and I said to myself,
“I’m not sure which body I’m supposed to be in!”.
Another dream, very uncomfortable. I was walking down a hallway with a bright
red carpet, some kind of house-like area. On either side of me, were multitudes
of large black serpents. I was aware at the time, that these serpents were
extremely poisonous. There seemed to be an invisible barrier between me and
these serpents, yet the fear I felt was still extreme. I was commanded to walk
ahead, and did so, with the serpents on either side vigorously attempting to
strike at me. I was asked not to stop, and continue walking, which I did. The
dream ended.
Within a short time after my initial experience in Hong Kong, I had the
following dream. (At this time, I was not even aware that such a thing as a
Near-Death Experience even existed). I was standing in a large rectangular room,
full of antique furniture, chandelier, bookcases full of books from floor to
ceiling, and a roaring fire in the fireplace. One of the longer walls was made
entirely of a glass-like material. Outside was a brilliant blue sky, waves of
tall golden grass, and in the distance purple-blue mountains. A wind was blowing
as I watched the trees wave and the grass bending beautifully back and forth,
yet these was a deep, profound silence. As I watched out this window, I looked
to my right. The existing wall suddenly disappeared, and in its place was a
banquet table set with crystal, gold, and linen. I walked to the table and
picked up a plate – it was made of the most beautiful crystal. As I put the
plate down, I noticed that the table extended to my right side and left side
with no end – I could not see the end of the table at either side, right or
left. Suddenly there was on my left side a being “made of light” – he (I seemed
to think in the dream, it was male) had piercing blue eyes because we looked at
each other, and to this day I can clearly recall the blue of his eyes, but the
rest of his composition was all light – he was like a light-bulb with eyes, but
the brightest light bulb you have ever seen. I did not get the sense that this
individual was Jesus. Suddenly, I thought to myself, “This is Heaven!!!” At the
exact same instant, all people present (the table was suddenly filled with
beings, stretching into infinity to the right and left) had the exact same
thought at the exact same time – and we all laughed, at the exact same time! It
was a beautiful, cosmic telepathic giggle! The dream ended.
Several years after this, I picked up the book by Dannion Brinkley describing
his near-death experience. Well, my chin almost hit the floor when I read his
description of “purple-mountains” which he saw in the distance, as he flew
(traveled) with his Light-Being after his death. Up to that time, as I had been
in Christian circles, It was not even a serious thought that people had actual
“dreams of Heaven” which might actually have been true, let alone even visiting
Heaven, or having out-of-body nighttime experiences of visiting Heavenly realms.
I believe that in this dream I did visit a realm of Heaven.
At one time during meditation, while experiencing this heat-phenomenon (heat
radiating from my shoulders down through my fingers, which happens often), I
looked down at both arms as they were resting on my thighs. I closed my eyes
again, and saw the same image of my arms resting on my thighs, but with a major
difference. I saw what was an x-ray image – I could see through the arms, like a
black-and-white xray image. I could see the bones, muscles, and blue blood – yet
radiating down the arms, shooting out through the fingertips was a brilliant
white light. Several times I opened and closed my eyes, and the image remained,
each time the eyes were closed.
Some years ago, I began studying a text called The Essene Gospel of Jesus.
During this initial encounter with this text, one night while asleep, I found
myself in a beautiful black darkness. Around me were a small group of
individuals. I could not visibly see them, but could hear that they were
present. Many excited voices started to say, “Shhh, they’re coming!” Suddenly
before us, I saw a luminous, glowing tableau of many of the Apostles of Jesus,
wearing glowing, multi-colored robes. I intuitively knew that present before us
were the Apostles.
Another dream, which occurred within about 5 years after the experience in Hong
Kong. I was alone, and looking toward a stage-like area. There was a floodlight
coming from above, onto a table on this elevated stage area. On this stage area
was a table, and a book was open upon it. I walked to the table, and looked at
the book. I began to flip through the pages. It was an Atlas of the world. As I
flipped from the beginning of the book, on each page I could see a line going
from one country to the other – on this line was the number of miles from the
previous country. This same line with the distance from country to country,
occurred on each page and from one country to another. I became aware that this
was the distance I was travelling from country to country. As I reached the last
page of the Atlas, the line going to the final country was blurred. I could not
make out whether the line reached the shoreline of the country or not. I leaned
forward to look closer, yet the line was still blurry. I said out loud, “I can’t
tell if they make it or not”. In the dream it seemed to me that there was some
question as to whether the plane made it to the shoreline or not – that perhaps
there was some kind of accident which prevented the plane from reaching land.
The dream ended.
Within the first year or so of my experience in Hong Kong, I had the following
surprising dream. At that time, I had no actual knowledge of Judaism, nor of
Israel except what I had seen in media photographs. Some years after this, I did
go on tour to Israel. In this dream, I was on the rooftop of a building in
Jerusalem – white stone, white plaster, typical Jerusalem dwellings (I was
surprised to see these same types of dwelling when I did go to Jerusalem). I was
looking at a short distance downward, to a courtyard which was packed with
Hasidic Jewish men – dressed in their infamous black hats, black clothing. They
were packed in – there was not a space between them, as they packed themselves
in towards what I could see was the Jewish Temple – I could not determine if it
was just the entrance to an actual Temple, or the area of today’s Western
(Wailing) Wall, though have the strong sense that it was an actual Jewish
Temple. As I looked at this Temple area, I saw a fire falling from Heaven, in
the shape of “tongues of fire” like the Book of Acts and the Apostles. This fire
fell upon each head of the Hasidic men who were present. I knew in this dream
that this fire was the exact same fire which Moses saw at the burning bush. As I
watched this fire falling upon these men, I suddenly heard them all speaking in
tongues – loudly praising G-d, and Jesus. I was astonished even in this dream,
as I was watching, as even then I could understand the almost impossibility of
this event ever happening. As I woke, I physically felt the power of this
spiritual event and the fire, it seemed to still come to me in waves, after
waking up.
Not many years ago, I had a sudden interesting experience. I was getting ready
to leave my apartment, and was standing near my door. Suddenly, I experienced a
strong radiating energy which went up my body from my feet, up through my head
area. It was shaped like a circle around me, and horizontal to myself, almost as
if someone had lifted a hula-hoop shape made of energy from my feet up over my
head. As this power came up through my head area, it was communicated to me
“Purification first, then the rest”. The words “the rest”, I immediately was
given to understand that many dreams and visions I had been given for my future
purpose on this earth at this lifetime would only be accomplished after this
time of spiritual purification was over.
Just prior to my father passing away, at almost 91 years old, myself and a
couple of siblings were meeting with the Hospice representative at my parents’
apartment. As it happened, that afternoon I had heard about the sudden death of
a man who had been the son of my parents’ best friends. He had died suddenly
that day, at his mother’s home. As I came into the apartment, I mentioned this
event to those siblings who were present. I spoke in a quiet voice, and my
father, who was very ill at that time, was back in his bedroom, and would not
have heard my voice. I walked into his bedroom to say hello. As I came up to his
bed, he immediately began to raise himself onto his elbow, with a strength of
body which startled me. I almost thought he was going to fall off the side, so
vigorous was his movement. He immediately leaned up, and his eyes looked from
mine, deliberately over to my right side. He pointed his finger at that space,
and said to me “He’s here? He’s dead too?”. I then calmed my father, not wanting
to give him distressing news. I did not mention the death of this individual to
him. One week later, my father passed away. I believe that somehow the spiritual
presence of this individual may have been able to manifest himself to my father,
through my spiritual openness and presence, rather than that of another of my
siblings. It is my belief that this deceased individual did manifest himself to
my father , by ‘arriving with me’, at that time.
Some time after my father had passed away, I had the following dream. I was
confident at his death that he had gone to a positive spiritual place, so I was
not overly worried for his future. One night, I suddenly was in a beautifully
lit, glowing-white building. I was standing in a hallway, and along this hallway
came my father. He was wearing his favorite baby-blue sweater, khaki pants. He
looked physically as he did at approximately 80 years old. He looked happy, and
at peace. He stood before me, hands clasped in his usual position underneath his
stomach in front of him, a concerned fatherly look on his face. I was relating
to him something of importance in my life, and he was listening intently. This
was the end of the dream. I awoke with a feeling of peace, knowing that he was
alright. Also one evening, after my grandmother had passed away, I suddenly was
back at the apartment at my parent’s home where I had stayed for several years.
I was speaking with my father, and suddenly from the bedroom my grandmother
walked out, purse on her arm, and said to me, “Hi, remember me?”. I laughed, and
said to her, “Of course, grammy, I remember you!”. End of dream. Concerning my
grandmother (my mother’s mother) she had a very beautiful experience after her
husband died. He had died before her, and she had relied upon him for
everything. She was very depressed without him. My Aunt related to me a
conversation she had had with Grandma. My Grandmother had told her that she had
been so sad at the assisted-living facility where the family had tried to move
her, (she was now living at the home of my Aunt) because if she went there, she
wouldn’t see Grandpa again. My Aunt responded that didn’t she remember, Grandpa
had been dead for several years at that point? My Grandma replied that she was
wrong, Grandpa had sat with her almost every night while she watched tv, and at
other times he was with her as well. When anyone else showed up, Grandpa would
“disappear”. My Aunt dismissed all this account as Grandma “being too old to
know what she was talking about”. One morning a friend who was a health-aide
stayed with Grandma, who was still in bed, Grandma called the aide into the
bedroom, and asked her to tell her “who is standing at the foot of my bed? I
can’t tell whether it is my husband or brother?” (both of whom had pre-deceased
her by some years, and whom she had missed greatly). The aide replied that she
did not see anyone standing there. The next morning, my Grandmother passed away.
I was blessed to have had a beautiful pet for 18 years, a lovely part-Maine coon
cat. He passed away at 18-years of age, and I missed him greatly. He had to be
put-down at the vet on a Friday. On the next day, I took some of his favorite
toys with me to a beautiful outdoor spot where I always went, for peace and
communion with God. On the next day, Sunday, I had been sleeping as usual.
Suddenly, I awoke, startled. What had woken me was the feeling of something
jumping onto my legs at the bottom of my bed. I lived alone, and no one else was
with me at that time. During his lifetime, my cat would always jump onto the
bottom of my bed, in the same place at my legs, at the same time each morning,
to wake me up to be fed. On this Sunday after he had been put down, I
experienced a small weight jumping onto the bottom of my bed, at the exact same
spot on my legs, at the exact same time which my cat had always awoken me – I
physically felt this weight, which woke me up. I looked at the clock, and it was
exactly 5:18 am – I start work early, and this was the time Yudi always wanted
his breakfast. He always woke me at 5:18 am – what a joy to know that he visited
me after his passing – I think he wanted me to know he was okay, and was happy.
Again, I had the following short dream. I was kneeling down, calling to an
animal. Into my view came a beautiful lion cub, about 3-4 years old. I began to
joyfully and lovingly pet and caress this lion cub, and the cub came to me
peacefully, and was purring and rubbing around me. I knew in this dream, that
this was now Yudi – he had been able to advance and reincarnate into this state,
with the help of my prayers, and his own desire to grow and advance spiritually
in this realm.
A large part of my spiritual work since the beginning of my spiritual journey
has been trying to deal with the emotions of coming back to this life – I had
repressed much of these emotions – the guilt, the inability to forgive myself,
the feelings of failure – time and again these emotions would overwhelm me, yet
I had difficulty processing them. Many times over the years individuals had told
me that I was “unwell”, “mentally unbalanced”, “mentally ill”, “unable to cope
with the world” – this from religious individuals within the Church, siblings,
friends, and both parents. A family member told me at one time, “You always seem
so sad!” Yes, that was true – at that time I was grieving for what I had lost,
and what I felt I could never attain again – the state of bliss and LIGHT. I had
an underlying fear that I had “lost” any chance of ever attaining this state
again within this lifetime – that I had ruined my chances to progress
spiritually because of my decision, that I had “denied” God – this in spite of
the many spiritual blessings which I had received through the years. One
blessing in particular occurred early this year, 2015. I was in a state of
emotional upset – heart-broken at the seemingly failure of my entire life –
spiritually and literally. To my mind, I had failed in all areas – work, career,
family, friends and relationships, religion, spirituality – everything and
everyone seemed to have been adversely affected by me and my life – I saw no
reason to continue living. As I sat, overwhelmed in tears and sobbing, suddenly
in my mind came the strong phrase “Jesus is comforting you”. At once, I was
aware of the presence of Jesus, just as he had come to me at the beginning in
Hong Kong – just to my left side, about 3 feet away from me, was His luminous
presence, although this time there was no vision of this event, just the
physical sensation of it. And as I became aware of His presence, He began to
fill me “literally” with comfort. Just as you would fill a glass up with water,
I physically felt comfort flowing into my body, from feet to head, and replacing
the desolation felt just seconds earlier. I felt the comfort just as literally
as I feel water, sand, or any other physical object. It was just that real, and
it was astonishing. The event lasted only a few moments, but now I was calm and
composed – feeling wonderful.
For the past several years (until 2015) I have visited the relics of the Buddha,
in Toronto, and Rochester. Last year, my prayer as the Monks were blessing me
with the relics, was that I would regain that initial spiritual state in this
lifetime. Since the initial experience in Hong Kong, I have come to learn that
my spiritual path has been to “grow into” the spiritual depth of that initial
experience. In March of this year, 2015, I was sleeping, and suddenly was aware
that I was awake while still asleep. I asked myself suddenly, “Am I dreaming
now? No, I’m awake”. Instantly before my field of vision was a burning, liquid
fire. The left side contained this fire, and I knew that it was God. The right
side contained this same fire, and I knew that this was the “ego”. As I watched,
a small lick of a flame reached to the right side from the left, the flame no
bigger than a candle flame, and the separation between the two sides was no
wider than an eyelash. Yet, as this small flame flicked over to the “ego-side”,
I experienced and felt the “ego” dying – this was a real death, I actually
physically experienced death, the ego was terror-stricken, the power of it was
breathtaking. Then it was over, I woke suddenly, and was actually literally out
of breath from the sheer power of the event. Yet I felt a joy and ecstasy
because I hadn’t failed spiritually! I had struggled for almost 25 years with
the feelings of being a ‘spiritual failure’.
On the night of Saturday January 24th, 2016, I experienced the following dream:
I was in a foreign country, I think it was Germany. Suddenly, I was in a
darkened room – very black dark –was some type of malevolent entity/being in the
room with me. I then saw myself in a reflection of some kind that was in this
room, a mirror, or some type of shiny surface. I saw that there was strong light
in the form and shape of lightening, which encircled my entire body, much like
the aura does. This light was very strong and active, also much like lightening.
I had my arms extended out, parallel to the floor, and shooting out from my
palms was this same active, strong, lightening-like energy. The color of this
energy remained a strong, bright white – no variations in color. In the
reflection in which I saw myself, the light was streaming from my eyes, as well.
In another dream, 2016, I was stepping upon the heads of black serpents – I
expressly recall the sensation, the physical feeling of these serpents
underneath my feet – in particular, the last one, I felt even the shape of the
head underneath my foot. There was no emotion attached to this dream, no feeling
of hate, fear, disgust, danger, etc. (but on waking up, I shuddered because it
was actually kind of disgusting!) There was only the acting of crushing these
serpents under my feet. After awaking, I began to become concerned about the
fact that, on most occasions previously when having dreams of this sort,
something would manifest in my physical life which was a problem – a family
argument, car problem, financial problem, work problem. Something would have
always happened which meant a problem to me in physical real-time. As I was
worrying about what manner this problem would manifest itself as this time, the
knowledge came to me that this dream represented “things coming up from within
me”, i.e. not an outward manifestation this time.
While falling asleep, sometime in 2016, suddenly there was the ‘disappearing’ of
the awareness of the body, while at the same time an ethereal, luminous,
‘heavenly’ light of exquisite pale silvery blue, began to fill the inside of my
body, my being, all self/ego was dissolved into this luminous light. Knowledge
that this heavenly light was all there was to what was ‘inside’ the small self –
the small self became the luminous light. At the same moment this light began to
manifest itself, there was a beautiful ‘floating’ sensation, a ‘lightness of
being’ sensation.
Afternoon on Friday, July 1st, 2016. Since my birthday prior to this, June 28, I
had been in a depressed mood. I was unable to get the day off work for my
birthday, and was depressed about other life issues – same job, getting older
and not advancing at all, seemingly being exactly the same in life and personal
issues as I was 30 years ago. I had decided in an angry moment, to discontinue
doing the meditation exercises I had been doing for the past several years. I
was finishing Level 3 of the Holosync Solution, and was set to begin Level 4 at
the beginning of July 2016. I finally talked myself into beginning Level 4,
assuring myself all the while that this was a stupid waste of my time. I put the
cd on, and lay down to begin to listen.
Just prior to a meditation session, I had had a birthday. I was depressed,
feeling stuck in all areas of my life. Suddenly during the session, there was an
explosion of light within me, and the form of Jesus came through this
light-explosion towards me, his arms outstretched – he was in the shape of
brilliant, blinding, white light. The power of this love and light shot through
me – and as soon as he had appeared, he disappeared.
Regarding my ongoing issues with employment/life purpose, I had the following
experience: From the book “The Laws of Love”, by Paul Ferrini – I experienced a
strong emotional reaction of love while reading the following section of this
book, pg 109-111: “’The Great Work of Our Time’ – ‘When one person masters all
ten spiritual laws, his light expands tenfold, perhaps even a hundredfold.
People who are hungry for the teaching find their way to his doorstep.
>From one committed teacher, another ten teachers emerge. Thus, the spiritual
community touched by the first teacher expands to hundreds, perhaps even
thousands. In his time, Jesus spoke to thousands. Since then his teaching has
reached billions. Of those, one was a St. Francis. One was a Ghandi. One was a
Mother Theresa. And each of them had their own ministries bringing others to
truth, to freedom and into the lap of unconditional love and compassion.
You do not have to compare yourself to other teachers to understand your
important place in the collective atonement process. Every teacher has students
who are waiting for him or her to leave the desert and begin teaching. Your
students are waiting. That is not an invitation to rush or skip steps. Your
healing must take as long as you require. But it is a message that time is of
the essence. Your awakening and the healing that it brings to others is
important. It is valuable. Indeed, it is sacred. You need to trust it.
No one thinks she is worthy to teach or heal until God blesses her and sends her
forth. But then she knows in her heart and never looks back. We do not teach or
heal for personal glorification, but for the glorification of God. Without God’s
love and guidance, we would not be up to the task. But because of it, we can do
all that is given us to do.
You and I have powerful companions. We are asked to witness and to serve. But we
are not asked to do it alone. The help that we need will be given to us. In
this, we must learn to trust. And the more we trust, the more it shall come to
pass.”
While asleep, I ‘dreamt’ that I was in a church, some type of cathedral. In the
front pew, there was a man – I got the impression that he was the Pastor or
Priest, the head of this cathedral. He had a long grey beard, a grey suit – not
modern looking, but something similar to those worn in the Orthodox Christian
churches. I was at the front, in front of this man, and was lying on the floor
at the front of the church, face, down, arms out in a cross-shape. Suddenly, I
perceived the loss of the feeling of the body as the light and power of divinity
filled the body. Without the sensation or feeling of the body, the body then
levitated. During this levitation, there was no sense or feeling of the location
of the body, but there was the absolute knowledge that the body was levitating.
After a short while, there was the sense of the body again, without any strength
to move the body or get up from the lying down position. I made several attempts
to get up, and struggled to do so as there was no strength in the body.
Eventually, I was walking outside this cathedral in a crowd of people, and those
around me were aware that I had levitated. As I was waking up, I continued to
experience the warmth of the power still surrounding me – the knowledge that I
had been levitating was strong in my consciousness. To my remembrance, this was
the first instance of levitating, with the certain knowledge that I had been
doing so.
I was suddenly semi-awake at night, and aware of a multitude of white lights
whizzing around me and around the room, full of energy and aliveness. At that
moment, it certainly seemed that they were trying to wake me up! These lights
reminded me of the small fairies which are in the Walt Disney movies. I tried to
sit up, immediately thinking ‘What’s happening?’ Suddenly I was aware that a
large black 3-dimensional figure was standing in the doorway to my bedroom. Not
human…definitely…very dark and ominous. All of a sudden, the body started
shouting to this being, ‘In the name of Jesus, I command and demand that you
leave my presence immediately…in the Name of Jesus, I command protection for
myself….!” Just as quickly, I was back asleep. I awoke refreshed, energized, no
sense of fear or dread, and I easily remember what had happened during the
night.
During sleep one evening, I woke and was observing myself in levitation in my
bedroom. I noticed myself kneeling in prayer, and levitating. My form was near
the bedroom window into which some light was shining, so I could clearly see my
form there.
While reading through the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous (family issues)
recently (2017), I was reading the following section. During my reading it was
spoken to me that, “This sounds like your ministry.” The quote is as follows:
“Helping others is the foundation stone of your recovery. A kindly act once in a
while isn’t enough. You have to act the Good Samaritan every day, if need be. It
may mean the loss of many nights’ sleep, great interference with your pleasures,
interruptions to your business. It may mean sharing your money and your home,
counseling frantic wives and relatives, innumerable trips to police courts,
sanitariums, hospitals, jails and asylums. Your telephone may jangle at any time
of the day or night. Your wife may sometimes say she is neglected. A drunk may
smash the furniture in your home, or burn a mattress. You may have to fight with
him if he is violent. Sometimes you will have to call a doctor and administer
sedatives under his direction. Another time you may have to send for the police
or an ambulance. Occasionally you may have to meet such conditions.”
The questions asked and the information that I have provided accurately and
comprehensively describe my experience. I’ve given a lot of description of how I
have tried to integrate the experiences (birth and age 28), and would be very
interested in the attempts of other experiencers as to how they have done so as
well. Perhaps some questions could be used just for ‘explanation of how they
have grown’, or ‘what have you done spiritually with the experience since it
happened?”. I’m personally always interested in the how-to of someone’s
spiritual growth and development.