Experience description:

At the time I still worked as a public school teacher. I was diagnosed with acute depression in 2014. I had been in group therapy through my medical provider for about half a year with no improvement and in desperation had somehow found a psychodynamic psychotherapist at Stanford who would see me weekly for a price I could afford. She was my private therapist for an additional year. I want you to understand that I never took any medications. I was against psychiatric medications at the time (and still am) but at the time of my STE we were discussing anti-depressants. That's how bad it was getting. My extreme depression was not improving and I knew nothing could ever cure it. There are many types of depression and the one I had is called an 'existential depression.' I felt that life was essentially meaningless and I had lost my will to live. The core of this problem was the fact that I had been betrayed by people so many times, that I had lost all hope for the future. I was developing anxiety issues as well, but mostly I was really terrified that I might not be able to get out of bed and go to work at some point. I feared becoming homeless and destitute because I couldn't pull my weight anymore. This may sound dramatic, but it really was that bad. I really hit bottom one day, and in my desperation, I had cried out: 'If there is a God, show me! I don't want to live in this world without God!' I reached a point I now know is called The Dark Night of the Soul. Saint John of the Cross described it as a complete detachment from the senses and a total cognitive blackout. In his book, he explains that this is different from depression, but I think he's wrong about that. His experience with his aesthetic practices and my depression went though the exact same process and had the same elements. I remember my emotions were a total void and my mind was almost in a Zen state of emptiness all the time. All that reverberated 24-hours a day was the mantra 'God are you out there?' (an expression of pure faith which essentially boils down to hope) - this went on for over a year. These are the conditions for the Dark Night of the Soul. And this is exactly what St. John describes as 'the path' for preparing 'the empty altar' - the psychological /spiritual preconditions for an STE.

At this point in my thinking I only had a vague hope that there was a God. This mantra just churned within in from some mysterious place that held on to God no matter what the lack of evidence said or how reason disagreed. In my mind, totally abandoned and unreliable Christianity made no sense, the Jesus stories sounded ridiculous, I was raised to go to church like an automiton, but I had always been on the fence about it. At the end of the line (and I had reached the end of the line) I was just confused, bewildered and lost on the whole thing. How should I know? How could anyone know! I had no real understanding of theology or religion - where knowledge of God came from. I took it for granted that God had to do with going to church and being religious.

I had come home from work one night. Exhausted I threw myself on the couch. In absolute desperation, I had started watching NDE accounts a few nights in a row on Youtube. I remember wondering if these people really knew anything. Were they crazy?  Was there really a God? My perpetual question kept reverberating in substratum of my being. I thought all of these people must just be nuts, yet, I held open a hope maybe they weren't.

Then I was hit with a force out of nowhere. It came out of my body from some mysterious place within and projected up towards the ceiling. Imagine a train just plowing through a tunnel except this tunnel is your chest and this train is the force of pure love. It is a rushing river made of a million strands of love all in an enormous bundle in all the shades of variety. I felt a tremendous overriding compassion and bliss rushing within it. I sank into the cushions, my eyes wide, my mouth open, limp and saturated with bliss. I was aware of myself as one with the force of love blasting through me. The compassionate force I now call 'The Merciful Heart of the Universe.' After about a minute it let go and 'dropped me' and I was in a state of shock for several days. I had no idea what to make of it, I had no concept to name it or background information to relate it to. No prior experiences, I had never even heard of such a thing.

So this is what happened. After several hours, I remembered the NDE videos. I thought maybe the NDE had something to do with this, but I couldn't figure out how. I remembered that the NDEs described a light, a tunnel, dead relatives, a life review. I had not died, or seen anything or heard anything. I had not experienced any of these. I didn't have an NDE. What had happened to me?  I decided to get an NDE book anyway. It was all I could think to do. I got a book from by Kenneth Ring called 'Lessons From the Light.' It was a random find. I read it cover to cover the day I got it. As I read, I became really blown away because I found descriptions of bliss and love exactly like I had experienced. He mentioned something called an STE and there was a reference to IANDS. I got on Facebook immediately and wrote to IANDS. To my amazement, they replied and told me I had 'an STE.' An STE. What was that?

Interestingly, I had an appointment with my therapist the next day. I knew she had worked in mental hospitals with psychotics and schizophrenics before she became a private therapist. I figured she would assume I had a psychotic break if I told her what happened. I decided to tell but was pretty sure she would tell me I was nuts. I remember after I told my story, she narrowed in on me with her smile and asked me a few specific questions. I answered them all and then she looked scared. I know psychosis does not scare her, so why did she seemed so taken back, shocked, she looked strangely at me. Then, I revealed to her that I was no longer depressed, that my depression was gone forever. I explained how my world view had changed and with it the perception of hopelessness. I was now on a quest for spiritual knowledge. She questioned me some more and looked at me thoughtfully. She then asked what I was going to do next. I told her that I was planning on studying spirituality and that I would begin to visit religious organizations to try to find my path. I realized now that I had no idea how to walk though this world and that I had truly been lost, going the wrong way. God had answered my plea. I had experienced the love and bliss of God without death or injury. Since then I have read a few hundred books on spirituality and have even discovered my own spiritual path, it's called Inter-Spirituality. I started an educational Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/groups/208080063152040/ and my living room looks like the public library.  I have not been depressed my STE 9 years back and my fear of death (it was more of a major phobia) is gone as well. I suffer from anxiety but the anxiety is 80% better and I can get rid of it with spiritual practices I've learned. The most powerful of which is the mantra.

A year later my entire life was different. I found a loving relationship, moved to Tennessee from the SF Bay Area, left teaching and now work in a poultry processing plant. They let me read spiritual books in between phone calls. I came a cross a book by Nancy Clark in 2016, 'Divine Moments' was the first book I found on Spiritually Transformative Experiences. I contacted Nancy to thank her for helping me finally understand what had happened. She included her STE in her new book.

At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event?   No 

Was the experience difficult to express in words?  Yes     Describing the force of love and bliss. Very hard to explain. They are millions of types of love, compassion, empathy, caring, understanding. All the words for a loving mind-set mixed with bliss. These were 'the strands' within the current of love.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?      During the flood of love

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness?      More consciousness and alertness than normal   My cognition had stopped I was just sensing this Force of Love blasting through me in amazement. I was 100% focused on the experience.

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   I had normal vision of my living room but I was completely focused on the sensation going through my chest.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   Normal. I wasn't aware of it because I was hyper-focused on the force of love.

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body?   No  

What emotions did you feel during the experience?   Bliss - like I would explode with bliss. Then the bliss dropped me.  

Did you pass into or through a tunnel?   No  

Did you see an unearthly light?   No  

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?   No

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)?   No  

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?   No  

Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience?   No  

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?   No

Did time seem to speed up or slow down?   Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
I was just completely focused in the moment. I was not aware of time normal or abnormal.

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?   No

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?   No

Did you come to a border or point of no return?   No

Did scenes from the future come to you?  No 

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there either is (or is not) continued existence after earthly life (“life after death”)?   No  

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that God or a supreme being either does (or does not) exist?   Yes   I think the bliss-love force was God. I wasn't shown anything or given any information. I came up with this conclusion from reading NDE accounts, the bliss-love is the same in the Light.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that you either did (or did not) exist prior to this lifetime?   No  

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that a mystical universal connection or unity/oneness either does (or does not) exist?   No  

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s meaning or purpose?   No  

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s difficulties, challenges, or hardships?   No  

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding love?   Yes   My experience was the experience of the Force of Love.

During your experience, did you encounter any other specific information / awareness that you have not shared in other questions that is relevant to living our earthly lives?   No  

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose?   No  

What occurred during your experience included:   Content that was entirely not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience   I had no idea of what to make of the bliss-love force that went through me.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience?   I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience   I have a few vague memories about that time. But the experience I remember very well. Though the clear memory of the feeling of bliss-love faded within about a week or two.

Discuss any changes that might have occurred in your life after your experience:   I'm no longer depressed, the despair is gone. I'm turning 50 in 2024 and I have no worries about it. I trust in God, my life revolves around him and my spirituality. I study books about him all day, I pray for an hour each morning. I practice Buddhist meditation. I'm not afraid of death. When I had Covid Pneumonia and couldn't breathe very well,but I was never scared. Rejoyce and be glad! We have an awesome God!!

My experience directly resulted in:   Large changes in my life

Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience?   Yes   I believe in God and I believe that there is knowledge in the world's religions that provides guidance on how to live on earth. I'm trying to learn.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience?   No  

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you?     God heard me and he saved me.

Have you ever shared this experience with others?   Yes  That same day I told my friend, the next day I told my sister and my therapist.

My friend said 'that's great. I'm happy for you.' My sister thought I was crazy and it scared her. My therapist encouraged me to read spiriutal books.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?   Yes   I had watched several videos on Youtube of NDEs being described in the classic way. I really didn't know more than the phrase NDE that I had heard of and these few videos. I had no idea of what to make of it.

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:   Experience was definitely real   Very confused because it was unlike anything I had experienced or heard of anyone else experiencng.

What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time:   Experience was definitely real   It felt real. I've also read a lot of books about STEs since and know it's actually very common.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?      No

Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Yes   I believe in God. Spiritual not religious. I study esoteric aspects of world religions and the mystics.

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?   No  

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience?   He saved my life.

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?   Yes   I can't think of anything to add.