Experience description:

I’m not entirely sure if this is a NDE, but it was the most uncanny experience of my life. I was on a deserted highway, late at night, driving very fast on very icy roads in the middle of a crazy snow storm. Two and a half months before, my beautiful 18 year old daughter died by suicide. I had spent that Christmas with my 20 year old son, in another town, about 400 miles away. I was on the return trip home. The pain of losing my daughter was just unbearable. I was a complete wreck. I couldn’t imagine living life without her, we were very close, and the longing to hold her again was so powerful. I agonized that she died alone.

Christmas was very hard. It was my daughter’s favourite holiday. The day after Boxing Day, I just started driving around aimlessly around the province. A long road trip with nowhere to go. I didn’t want to be around people, and in my car alone, I could cry and scream and try to talk to her without having to moderate anything for others. On this night, in northern Canada, there was a miserable storm. The roads were deserted, and so icy that even the long haulers were pulled over for the night. My sister called me and asked me to come home because she was having a hard time with her mental health. I was frustrated that my pathetic road trip was coming to an end, but with nowhere really to go, I pointed my car towards home. When I was about 6 hours into an 8 hour trip home, my emotions took a darker turn. Knowing how hard her death was effecting my son and the whole family, I knew there was just no way that I could take my own life, to add that pain to my son and family was just not something I could do. At the same time though I just knew that I couldn’t live with the pain that was now my life. It occurred to me though, on that dark and deserted highway, that if I died in a car crash, I wouldn’t be seen as suicide, and I could be with her. I feel ashamed to admit that I wanted to die- how terrible for my son and family, but I didn’t want to take responsibility for the decision. So I started driving faster thinking let’s just see what happens.

I was clipping along at about 120 Kph. I could feel my car sliding a bit around the curves in the road and I liked the feeling, though the car was holding on pretty well. I was bawling, which had been pretty non-stop since she died. The radio was playing and in the midst of this scene a song came on, which I don’t remember now, but it reminded me of her and I wanted to remember it so I reached down for my phone to Shazam it. When I looked up moments later I was shocked/thrilled/surprised to see a massive moose in the middle of the narrow 2 lane road directly in front me. I honestly felt such peace in the moment because I knew that the pain was going to be over- that this was it- I was going to die in like 5 second. Such relief flooded over me. I had no fear whatsoever. Here’s where it gets strange though as it seemed that time slowed down and I was both watching and experiencing it at once. I felt like I was in a video game or something. I saw the moose whip it’s head and look at this car bearing down on top of it. It tried to run off the road but the road was so icy that it’s legs were scrambling, but it wasn’t going anywhere. I laughed out loud because it looked like a cartoon moose with its legs flapping around like that. By the way, I was in a little compact car, and knew that the body of the moose would hit my windshield directly and it would be all over. I feel bad now because I didn’t feel sad at the time that I would also be killing the moose. Anyhow, I tried tapping my brakes just to see if I could avoid the hit and no, the car just skidded, as I knew it would at that speed and the road conditions. The moose was now right in front of me- maybe 15 feet- and then all of the sudden, I don’t know how because I don’t remember turning my wheel, my car starting spinning in donuts.  As I was spinning around, at least 2 complete revolutions, waiting for the impact, a voice shouted at me. I say shouted, but it was more like a deep, compelling authoritative male voice that boomed, “IT. IS. NOT. YOUR. TIME”.

The voice kind of shocked me out of that strange space of slow motion watching/experiencing and my car exited out of the spinning and I was now just fishtailing. I was like wtf. I tried to correct myself from the fishtail and the car responded immediately and I found myself securely on the road, heading in the right direction, clipping along still at a fairly good speed. Now I’ve had some close calls before on the roads, and in the past my body responds with some pretty intense after effects like shaking, rapid heartbeat, and such that I’ve had to pull over to recover. This time however, I had no physical aftereffects. I felt completely calm. By the time I came out of the fishtail, I looked in my mirror to see the moose, but darkness had closed everything in my view. I made it home a couple of hours later without further incidents.

Post experience notes:

1. When I arrived home, my sister was in the middle of a severe mental health breakdown and I didn’t really have the opportunity to digest the experience. However, a couple of weeks later, I was in my home office, abandoned after my daughter’s death, and I noticed that a photo was missing from my bulletin board. I had 4 photos on it, which were placed there as inspiration for a dissertation I was writing before she died. I didn’t think much about it, nor did I at the time even register what the photo was. Several weeks after that I decided to tidy up the office space and was slightly annoyed about the missing photo. I lifted a book from my desk that she had given me and underneath the book was the missing photo. It was a picture of a moose I had taken like 30 years before - posed in the same way as the moose on the highway that I had encountered. It sent shivers up my spine.

2. I’m 4 years now into the healing journey - and I’m in a much better space now. The grief is hard, it always will be, but I’ve learned how to hold it in a way that helps me feel close to her and also able to move forward with living. I don’t know why it wasn’t my time on that deserted road-I haven’t saved the world, cured cancer or done anything earth shattering. I have had some amazing trips and experiences with my son. I’ve shared my love and compassion with others. I don’t know if I heard the voice of god, I don’t know if I believe in god or the afterlife. I only know that what I experienced is unexplainable, and miraculous. It really helped settle me into living. The voice was so compelling that I trust my job is to be here right now and I trust that my girl is okay without me.

At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event?   No 

Was the experience difficult to express in words?  Yes     It’s really hard to put into words the sense of altered states and the way that the car spun donuts around the animal that filled the road. Also the sense of calmness and lack of fear. I never feel that calm!

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?      The moment I looked up and saw the moose until after the car existed from the spins

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness?      More consciousness and alertness than normal   It’s hard to describe. It was like entering an altered state. It felt like both experiencing the event and watching it, but from the same vantage point. Time was altered. The voice was like nothing I heard before. It was very compelling, like there’s no arguing or questioning the authority. I felt like I had no control over the vehicle, like something else was in control of the maneuvers. The moose however was very real, as was the clarity in which I knew that I was about to die

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   Everything, including my vision felt super crisp. I was lost in grief and then everything became intensely vivid

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   Well the voice I heard was otherworldly. Penetrating.I can hear it still with immense clarity.

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body?   Uncertain   I was certainly aware of the moose

What emotions did you feel during the experience?   Relief, peace,  

Did you pass into or through a tunnel?   No  

Did you see an unearthly light?   No  

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?   I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
The voice was male and authoritative. It left me feeling much clarity about living when moments before I was utterly lost

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)?   No  

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?   No  

Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience?   No  

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?   No


Did time seem to speed up or slow down?   Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Time definitely slowed down

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?   Everything about myself or others
I didn’t feel like I understood everything. I still suffered a lot with grief and longing. What I did come to understand in the moment is that I am meant to be on earth right now

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?   No

Did you come to a border or point of no return?   No

Did scenes from the future come to you?  No 

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there either is (or is not) continued existence after earthly life (“life after death”)?   Yes   Hearing the voice was not of this world. I infer that this suggests an afterlife or alternate realities

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that God or a supreme being either does (or does not) exist?   Uncertain   I’m not sure. I can’t say if what I heard was the voice of god, but it was definitely otherworldly

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that you either did (or did not) exist prior to this lifetime?   No  

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that a mystical universal connection or unity/oneness either does (or does not) exist?   No  

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s meaning or purpose?   No  

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s difficulties, challenges, or hardships?   No  

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding love?   No  

During your experience, did you encounter any other specific information / awareness that you have not shared in other questions that is relevant to living our earthly lives?   No  

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose?   Yes   The experience left me feeling like my life has a definite purpose, though I’m not too sure what that is

What occurred during your experience included:   Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience   After my daughter died I was certainly thinking a lot about whether there is something after death. I’ve been very open to that possibility. However, her death plunged me into questioning everything. I feel more certain about something after death. I don’t feel though that my experience left me with more clarity about what that is. I didn’t feel or see her during my experience

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience?   I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of th   The experience was so compelling, it is. Burned deep in my consciousness

My experience directly resulted in:   Large changes in my life

Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience?   No  

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience?   No  

Have you ever shared this experience with others?   Yes  I shared the experience with several friends about a month after. I think they mostly think it is the hallucinations of a grieving mother

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?   Yes   I’ve read some stories about nde. My experience was unlike anything I’ve encountered because I didn’t actually die and I never heard of this kind of “intervention”. I read about people who experienced strange things when their heart stopped and they were clinically dead

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:   Experience was definitely real   I was conscious throughout so I couldn’t deny what had happened

What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time:   Experience was definitely real   My feelings about the reality and intensity of the experience have never changed

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Yes  

Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?      No

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?      

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience?   Yes

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?   This is a set of very comprehensive experiences   More research