Experience description:

I was driving down to San Diego from Los Angeles early on the morning of Christmas Eve, 2018. It was sunny in LA and warm so I kept the drop top down. As I was driving along it started to cool off and I soon began to pass through fog and clouds. Although it was a mystical experience in and of itself, it was also cold and damp. I pulled off the road in San Juan Capistrano near the mission. I put the top up but I decided to take a walk. I meandered toward the mission but it was still early, around seven-thirty in the morning, and the main gate was closed. I continued along the outer wall of the mission, thinking of those who built the wall and the battles fought there. I was drawn to a church located on the outer edge of the mission, and remembered reading how that many of these mission churches are oriented to catch the light of the setting or rising sun on a particular holy day, and I wondered if that was the case here, as this church was slightly tilted compared to the wall of the mission. I tried the door and it was open, so I went inside.

I felt contemplative and decided to sit for awhile and think. Although I am not a Christian (certainly not a Catholic), I've occasionally asked for help from Mother Mary. As I was feeling in need of some divine assistance, I knelt down in front of an image of the Virgin. It didn't feel right asking for a laundry list of wishes so instead I began to meditate as I had been taught years earlier at the Zen Center of Los Angeles. I focused on my breathing by counting breaths and gradually my breathing slowed. I meditated for what felt like around ten minutes and all of a sudden an overwhelming feeling of sadness and loss came over me. I had been a victim of child abuse, unfortunately, and some of the sadness and loss was concerning my lost childhood innocence. I continued meditation, but the feeling grew in intensity and became overwhelming. I remember asking for help (not consciously) and it was at this point that I felt my eyes roll back and I had the sense of blacking out.

There was no sense of lost time, in one moment I was kneeling before a statue in a church in some sort of meditative trance or hypnogogic state and the next moment I felt as if my soul or awareness was being ripped out of my body (not voluntarily). I felt my self pulled out of my body and I saw myself kneeling there in front of the statues as I moved up and away from my body, gaining a distance of my 10-20 ft before I turned away. Instead of being in the church I was in a black void.

This void was completely featureless and there was nothing in it at all. One might think that it's the same kind of dark that you would see on the back of your eyelids while in perfect darkness. This is not quite true as in absolute darkness your brain produces random images and colors after a time due to the lack of externally produced neural stimulation. I had experienced this once at Opaque, a dining in the dark restaurant, but what I saw in the void was true darkness.

For a few brief moments I was alone, although it did not occur to me to feel scared, I was mostly just curious and watching to see what happened. From a distance I saw three figures and as I approached (or they approached me - there was no frame of reference), they grew in size and I recognized two of them. The figure on the left was Mother Mary, the figure in the middle was Jesus of Nazereth. I did not recogize the figure on the right, but it was wearing a dark coat or cloak and had a large old fashioned black hat, like a fedora.

I then recall being able to see each figure in turn in greater detail. First I saw Mother Mary, She was wearing a blue cloak over a white gown and there was a multicolored slowly moving radiance coming from behind Her like an aura, as if She were glowing or standing in front of a Mary shaped portal to heaven. I imagine if I could have seen around Her it would have appeared as if I had seen the sun or something brighter and with all the colors of the rainbow, but as if I was seeing it under water, like when you dive and look up and see the patterns of the light refracting off the surface of the waves. Although there was this beautiful light coming from behind Her She herself was also glowing and illuminated, I had no trouble seeing her. She didn't say a word but I do recall a sense of movement, She seemed three dimensional and alive, not like the statue I had seen in the church, and I felt as if she was watching me. Her eyes were kind but I got the feeling that She expected something of me.

Secondly, I saw Jesus. He was similarly illuminated like His mother. I remember that He was wearing a white cloak over a red shirt and that His heart was glowing somewhat, as is seen in many images of Him. His eyes seemed like they saw through me and I recall that He had a full beard. He did not say a word but I got a feeling of infinite unending love and kindess, but also the same feeling of expentency. It is as if both Jesus and Mary want me to do something, to serve some purpse while I am alive - although they would not tell me what it is.

The last figure I didn't get much of a sense of. He was not illuminated nor did I recognize him. I will not speculate further.

For a brief instant I felt as if I could see myself (in soul form) through the eyes of Jesus and Mary as I had a strange feeling of bilocation where I was looking at my soul. Although the soul had no visible form, I remember a feeling of condensed energy and information occupying a location in space. It felt as if they were showing me what they saw. I had no desires while I was in that place and I had neither the desire to return to my body nor to stay with Them. I did feel as if They wanted me to return to my body - so I did. At this point I felt as if I had to return to my body and I found myself immediately back in the church, fully awake and alert.

I continued meditation for another 30 minutes to an hour. While meditating I tried to think more about God and the universe, and got the image of a finite being mediating on infinity... Maybe this is the Divine's idea of humor :-). After a while I left the church and continued on my way. As I was leaving I heard a man speaking and turned and saw a disheveled figure who may have been homeless. I wanted to help or at least see what he wanted - especially after what I had seen, but fear stopped me. The revelation I had then was that fear of each other keeps us apart, no matter how many divine visions one has. Overcoming this fear is key to our development as a species.

While I was there in Their presence I remember realizing (or learning, or being taught) a few things. Some of these things have become more clear over time. This is my current understanding as of Jan 2, 2020, although I expect it will change as I live life and if I have more visions.

0) God exists - everything else follows from this.

1) The universe is really strange and really old and there are supernatural beings in it. It's much older and larger than physicists currently believe.

2) Jesus and Mary exist and they care about me, as they do about all conscious beings.

3) There are other religious figures too from other faiths. What is right for one person may not be right for another. I happened to have seen Jesus and Mary in this vision, but another person may see Buddha or Krishna or Rama or the Goddess or aliens or maybe just experience a feeling. All of these figures are in some sense aspects or manifestations of an infinite God beyond all comprehension. (The Trinity didn't go far enough - it's more of an Infinity :-)).

4) Most religions have a divinely inspired core of truth - basically the golden rule 'Love God, love yourself, love others as you do yourself'. This has been revealed through one or more teachers in each faith - Jesus, Buddha, Mohammad, Moses, etc.

5) Not everything taught in religion is true - beyond the basic core belief of the golden rule, much of it is made up. You don't have to believe in a religion to be a good person or lead a full life, many atheists are good people.

6) God is infinitely old, infinite dimensional, infinitely powerful, infinitely loving, and beyond human comprehension. God has infinitely more names and aspects then there are believers. God pervades everything that is and loves all conscious beings. God experiences pain when we do.

7) Nature is not evil, but God doesn't control it, it just is. It follows the laws of physics that God set out when the universe was created at the big bang or before (Fiat Lux!).

8) The Bible and other religious texts are not meant to be science, they are simply how people understood the world when they were written. But that does not mean they have no value - people's understanding of the world evolves over time - and for many they may be helpful in allowing a person to move closer to the transcendent or to better oneself. For others, they may be totally irrelevant - and that's fine too.

9) Evil exists because we have been given free will and can choose to do evil. God doesn't force people to do evil or condemn them to hell, but a soul may end up creating its own hell or end up annihilating itself. Hell is not eternal, a soul can always be redeemed eventually.

10) Heaven and hell are real - although I didn't see them in this vision, it was more of a state of limbo.

11) God doesn't want to see people or animals suffer due to natural forces or human actions, although redemption doesn't always come in this life.

12) A soul can effectively choose its own destiny once it separates from the body. It can go to be re-united with God (Heaven), it can experience another life cycle (reincarnation), it can delete itself (annihilation/atheism), or it will experience some torment of its own divising-perhaps with similar souls (hell), or will exist as a ghost for a time if it can't let go of the physical world.

13) All people are capable of experiencing the divine but this may take deliberate effort - or it may be spontaneously induced as it was in my case.

14) Animals have souls and can feel pain, but do not experience the world the same way we do. A soul will conform the body it currently inhabits - thus a soul can be limited by a body with a small brain or with brain damage. A soul is another word for the ability to experience consciousness.

15) A computer of sufficient complexity could have a soul - it's substrate independent.

16) While existence is based on physics in some sense, it's far beyond what humans currently understand in anno domini 2020 . Our knowledge of physics is still very new, and the universe is very old, and there are species far more advanced than us. We should be humble and remember that we are a very, very, young species.

17) Nothing in this vision should be taken too seriously - it's only one person's vision.

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?      No     

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words?          No     

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event? No     

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?    I was fully awake and alert immediately before the experience. I was performing breathing exercises immediately prior to the experience.

            Was the experience dream like in any way?  I've never had a dream like this before - and I've had many lucid dreams in the past (sex, flying, seeing the milky way from outside, etc).

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?   Yes    An invisible knot of concentrated energy and information. It appeared to deform space-time by a tiny bit. I'm not sure how I could see this.

What emotions did you feel during the experience?         I felt receptive and curious. I don't recall feeling any of the sadness that I had felt immediately prior to blacking out.

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?         I heard sounds similar to being underwater while scuba diving or the sound of my own heart or blood rushing in my ears. I don't recall hearing any voices or words.

LOCATION DESCRIPTION:  Did you recognize any familiar locations or any locations from familiar religious teachings or encounter any locations inhabited by incredible or amazing creatures?         Uncertain     It was the void - possibly limbo or purgatory. It was nowhere in particular - seemed to be outside of normal space and time. It was not clear how much time had passed there or if time had passed at the same rate as it did in my body. In all it felt like a subjective 30 seconds to a minute had passed for me while I was outside my body.

Did you see a light?        Uncertain     Jesus and Mary were both illuminated from behind by a multicolored light, although this may have been their auras. They were also illuminated from the front. There was no source of light besides them. Another sense I had is that the images I saw were merely pale shadows, something at a level I can comprehend - as seen through a mirror darkly as it says in 1 Corinthians 13.

Did you meet or see any other beings?         Yes    Jesus and Mary - see previous explanation for full description.  As for the 3rd shadowy figure each time I speak of him my feeling about him changes, and in fact he seems to resist explanation, although I do get the sense that he's male. I did not feel any fear of him nor did I feel any evil coming from him.

Did you experiment while out of the body or in another, altered state?         No     

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          No     

Did you notice how your 5 senses were working, and if so, how were they different? Yes    Sight seemed unaffected. I heard sound although muffled as if underwater, in fact, it sounded like water. I don't recall touching, smelling, or tasting anything. I seemed to have an added sense (enhanced vision?) in that I could perceive very slight warping of space and see the soul.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?  Yes    I could perceive very slight warping of space and see the soul. I felt as if I experienced 30 seconds to 1 minute of 'normal' time although it's possible that I was there much longer - this estimate is based solely on my own internal perception (my internal 'clock'). There was no frame of reference in that place - no space - no time. For time to have meaning something must change, and there was no change in that place.

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?         Yes    While I was there in Their presence I remember realizing (or learning, or being taught) a few things. Some of these things have become more clear over time. This is my current understanding as of Jan 2, 2020, although I expect it will change as I live life and if I have more visions.

0) God exists - everything else follows from this.

1) The universe is really strange and really old and there are supernatural beings in it. It's much older and larger than physicists currently believe.

2) Jesus and Mary exist and they care about me, as they do about all conscious beings.

3) There are other religious figures too from other faiths. What is right for one person may not be right for another. I happened to have seen Jesus and Mary in this vision, but another person may see Buddha or Krishna or Rama or the Goddess or aliens or maybe just experience a feeling. All of these figures are in some sense aspects or manifestations of an infinite God beyond all comprehension. (The Trinity didn't go far enough - it's more of an Infinity :-)).

4) Most religions have a divinely inspired core of truth - basically the golden rule 'Love God, love yourself, love others as you do yourself'. This has been revealed through one or more teachers in each faith - Jesus, Buddha, Mohammad, Moses, etc.

5) Not everything taught in religion is true - beyond the basic core belief of the golden rule, much of it is made up. You don't have to believe in a religion to be a good person or lead a full life, many atheists are good people.

6) God is infinitely old, infinte dimensional, infinitely powerful, infinitely loving, and beyond human comprehension. God has infinitely more names and aspects then there are believers. God pervades everything that is and loves all conscious beings. God experiences pain when we do.

7) Nature is not evil, but God doesn't control it, it just is. It follows the laws of physics that God set out when the universe was created at the big bang or before (Fiat Lux!).

8) The Bible and other religious texts are not meant to be science, they are simply how people understood the world when they were written. But that does not mean they have no value - people's understanding of the world evolves over time - and for many they may be helpful in allowing a person to move closer to the transcendent or to better oneself. For others, they may be totally irrelevant - and that's fine too.

9) Evil exists because we have been given free will and can choose to do evil. God doesn't force people to do evil or condemn them to hell, but a soul may end up creating its own hell or end up annihilating itself. Hell is not eternal, a soul can always be redeemed eventually.

10) Heaven and hell are real - although I didn't see them in this vision, it was more of a state of limbo.

11) God doesn't want to see people or animals suffer due to natural forces or human actions, although redemption doesn't always come in this life.

12) A soul can effectively choose its own destiny once it seperates from the body. It can go to be re-united with God (Heaven), it can experience another life cycle (reincarnation), it can delete itself (annihilation/atheism), or it will experience some torment of its own divising-perhaps with similar souls (hell), or will exist as a ghost for a time if it can't let go of the physical world.

13) All people are capable of experiencing the divine but this may take deliberate effort - or it may be spontaneously induced as it was in my case.

14) Animals have souls and can feel pain, but do not experience the world the same way we do. A soul will conform the body it currently inhabits - thus a soul can be limited by a body with a small brain or with brain damage. A soul is another word for the ability to experience consciousness.

15) A computer of sufficient complexity could have a soul - it's substrate independent.

16) While existence is based on physics in some sense, it's far beyond what humans currently understand in anno domini 2020 . Our knowledge of physics is still very new, and the universe is very old, and there are species far more advanced than us. We should be humble and remember that we are a very, very, young species.

17) Nothing in this vision should be taken too seriously - it's only one person's vision.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?           No     

Did you become aware of future events?      No     

Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body?          Yes    It was communicated to me that I needed to return. I felt acceptance about this fact at the time, although after the experience was over I was sorry I could not go with them. Even now I wish I could follow - although I know that if I attempted to do so (i.e. commit suicide), that it would not have the desired outcome.

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?      Uncertain     I've had a few particularly powerful lucid dreams.

1) I dreamed of meeting a psychic and we agreed on the day of the week for the meeting in the dream. Then - I actually reached out to that person over the phone on the agreed upon day.

2) I saw a grey alien in a dream. There was no more detail I remember than the figure.

3) I had a powerful lucid dream involving a family I later came to think of as the Maiden, Mother, Crone, and God of Wicca. They tried to teach me some magic. I was able to learn how to manifest objects in the dream and how to move my awareness into another person's body. They wanted to teach me more but I recall that my (real) body was growing extremely tired and I had to return to it to sleep. They were upset by this, and I had some doubts as to their true identities and intentions - were they really gods trying to teach me magic or were they demons trying to entrap me. I called on Jesus for help and I returned to my body and woke up in real life - at which point I wrote the whole dream in a journal. Total duration of this dream felt like 30 minutes. I've tried to return to this dream and reach out to them again but have not been successful.

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?     Yes    I believe in something rather than nothing. I do not fear death as I once did - not that I look forward to it, but I do look forward to seeing the other side after I die. I hope that I can fulfill my purpose in life.

How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices?   Only marginally. I've only told my mother and my wife about the bulk of the experiences. Daily life is largely unaffected - although I find myself praying more than I used to, or noticing myself getting less worked up by stupid stuff (although sometimes I can totally lose it :)). I'm  not religious much, although if I find myself in a situation where religion is called for I try to remember the Source underlying the symbolism and to think on it while I am performing the rituals.