As I laid in bed I was leaning against my best friend whom I will call J. I was tense and was trying to relax, I have issues with trust, security and love. I remember the warmth and love pouring from his body into mine and I felt all warm. I remember concentrating on a fan that I have running in my bedroom and the buzz became- enchanting. Louder and louder.

In what it seems a nanosecond, my life was "downloaded", like a zip file. I saw pictures of my mother, whom I have not spoke with in 16 months. I saw pictures, like film clips of my childhood, mostly the bad parts of abuse that I had buried deep inside me. It made me very sad, and I wish not to live anymore. I began to breath deeper and saw darkness. Then there was a immense number of stars. Like I was traveling through them like Star Trek.

There was a light, not so much a tunnel, maybe a tunnel full of stars. I was extremely scared of that light. I knew I was dying. I was greeted and given loads of info. I was given the choice to go back or stay. How I wanted to stay. But I chose to go. I remember trying to exactly remember everything, being a scientist and all. Collecting my data. My friend J. then was over top of me, extremely scared. In a moment I rolled over and a single tear came out of my eye. He was very scared and said my face was white and my lips purple. I told him I had had a bad dream.

  I sat up, trying to collect myself and looked down, scared when I looked down and saw that my hands were transparent. My veins were like they are in older people, the skin thin and stretched.  We talked for a bit and I laid back down, determined that my experience was lack of sleep or a freaky dream. J. stayed up and watched me as I tried to sleep. I started to meditate again to calm myself, needless to say I was a bit a bundle of nerves.

  Immediately I felt huge pressure on my chest, like it was being caved in. I immediate felt a presence, J. best friend H. H. talked to me calmly and I felt a sense of relief and was jerked back to "here" when J. started panicking and shook me awake. It was as if I had to force my eyelids to open, similar to pushing open big doors. I remember feeling like I was looking at J. through H. eyes and immediately I had a feeling of immense love and sadness. I felt as though H. was saying goodbye to J. I knew I was an integral part of this process. I was important. H. needed this. I remember saying "it's not your fault" a couple of times. This had no meaning to me, but was significant to H. and J. as J. felt very responsible for H. dying. I had had a reading last July and a medium had explained to me the events of H. passing, so I already had known J. was in no way responsible. But these words flowed from me with no thought on my part, and suddenly I felt the urge to "say goodbye" though I knew I was not the one leaving.

   I had understanding from H. that I needed to stay J. needed me. It was important for J. and me but also to H. I just "understood" that I needed to stay and H. was "giving me back" to prevent hurt for J. and that I might experience what I feared so much, love.

  J. asked me if I wanted something to eat or drink, out of no where I joked was he offering me my last meal, J. paled and got upset. I felt like I was slipping away and said, "I will never leave you, ever." I felt again as though even though I spoke these words and understood the meaning, they were not mine.

  I closed my eyes again and felt pressure on my chest, I "awoke" and felt extremely scared, shaking. J. wanted me to lay down again, and I just sat in bed scared so scared. I knew what I had witness, I knew what I had seen. My feelings were hard to describe. I've never felt like that before.

  Afterwards I was very confused and would cry over nothing, and then be extremely happy. In the past few weeks I've analyzed it to death and know what I witnessed was real and not a hallucination. I've never met H. but feel bounded to him eternally. I know he looked after me.

   About two weeks later I was struck by the notion I needed to go to a certain web site where I had had a reading before. I had a reading by a medium in a psychic chat that I hang out in. The medium was reading someone else and I was panicky, feeling I had to come find H. I looked in every room and a medium was giving a reading to another person. My deceased relatives barged in and I asked her if there was a man named H. there. She asked if he was the quiet one (which I perceive him as but I guess J. says he wasn't).

 Immediately she went into detailed about everything that happened though I hadn't told a soul online. It was so moving I was in tears and I felt H. spirit near me, guiding me through this confusing time and this reading that I was having difficulty dealing with. I was a mess after the reading and have been dealing with this ever since.

Any associated medications or substances with the potential to affect the experience?     Yes, Substance

Was the kind of experience difficult to express in words? Yes

When I had this experience I was/am very close to my best friend, who was male. At the time I passed, I was sent to return here by his best friend who had passed3 months before I met my friend. This has been very difficult b/c I can't explain it to anyone. It has left very mixed feelings including sadness, anger, happiness and elation.

At the time of this experience, was there an associated life threatening event?          Uncertain

I remember looking down and seeing my skin transparent. I felt as though I was absent. I remember feeling as if I needed to be strong if I wanted to stay. I was given a choice to come back.

What was your level of consciousness and alertness during the experience?           Heightened I suppose. I was trying to drink in everything. Remember every detail, so I guess I could verify the experience and prove to myself I wasn't going crazy.

            Was the experience dream like in any way?   Surreal is a better word. I have very vivid dreams and this was nothing that I ever experienced before. Terrifying, almost haze-like.

Did you experience a separation of your consciousness from your body?     Uncertain

Not floating above my body but felt detached, separate.

What emotions did you feel during the experience?            Joy, sadness, guilt, immense love, comfort, caring, strength, weakness, scared.

Did you hear any unusual sounds or noises?           Only in the beginning, like I said the buzzing from the fan that turned more into a drone-like noise. The whole process, the stars, the light, the beings, H. and that whole experience was like a silent film. Not that my info was downloaded, but I felt like I just acquired explanations for what was going on. I suppose I was okay with it b/c I felt peace and just instant knowledge I suppose.

LOCATION DESCRIPTION:  Did you recognize any familiar locations or any locations from familiar religious teachings or encounter any locations inhabited by incredible or amazing creatures?            Uncertain

I felt presence, though did not see anyone other than H. I didn't really see him physically, more like felt him spiritually. There was presence of other people and I joked afterwards to the medium, if my grandpa showed up that I talk to who's deceased, I probably wouldn't of came back. I knew I wasn't "in hell" but not quite "heaven" either. It was a pleasant wonderful place. It was I suppose heaven, but as I said before, I'm not sure "heaven" exists as it is worded in the bible. I'm over analyzing things like mad. That is what causes me such loss and confused feelings. Like I'm searching for information to remember but it's been archived and not for immediate retrieval.

Did you see a light?           Yes

The blackness turned into a tunnel with stars, almost white like at the end.

Did you meet or see any other beings?           Yes

I felt presence, though did not see anyone other than H. I didn't really see him physically, more like felt him spiritually. There was presence of other people and I joked afterwards to the medium, if my grandpa showed up that I talk to who's deceased, I probably wouldn't of came back.

Did you experiment while out of the body or in another, altered state? Uncertain

I know I wanted answers and was provided them. Like other NDE that I've read, an article triggered me to remember things. A man wrote that he had been given info and was not allowed to bring it back. As soon as I read that I immediately understood what that man wrote. It was like I was shown my life, and I was like okay- I'll go back. LOL

Did you observe or hear anything regarding people or events during your experience that could be verified later?          Yes

The pressure in my chest, I knew I was experiencing H. death. He died in a car crash, but not immediately. Like 12 hours later. I've been having extremely bad deja vu the last week. I just started a new job and literally I feel insane almost like I've met all the HR recruiters before. I even jogged my brain to try and remember if I worked there before and forgot!

Did you notice how your 5 senses were working, and if so, how were they different?          Yes

Hearing was almost eliminated. My cognitive thinking was above average, and my eyes worked but I feel as though I was seeing and getting information through my mind. It's funny I am a worrier, but even though I worry now, in the past week I've felt, calmer, more in touch, more relaxed.

Did you have any sense of altered space or time?   Yes

Yes I felt as though I had traveled for hours but only minutes had passed.

Did you have a sense of knowing, special knowledge, universal order and/or purpose?    Yes

I felt as though- how lightly can I put this? I almost "demanded" proof when I got there, you know to prove to myself that this was not a dream. It was crazy, hard to explain, I know that I received information I can not recall, but again this is a process that I know we must go through.

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?             Yes

I could not "cross" and experience this for eternity warm loving feeling if I wished to return to my earthly existence. It was like a ticket door and the person told me I had a choice to cross and see the concert or I could be given clips of the concert and see it on Pay per view later (hence experience it for myself at a later date). Sorry that is best I can explain.

Did you become aware of future events?       Uncertain

Again, I am unsure. The deja vu is very bad, like not just a moment but entire spans of times, hours or even days now.

Were you involved in or aware of a decision regarding your return to the body?       Yes

Yes, I was given a choice. And I think I was reminded of what I said about not changing my life. I know that sounds crazy, but I felt as though I could not go as badly as I wanted to, b/c of the conversation I had just had with J. I remember feeling as though I would be deemed a "hypocrite" if I changed my mind at the time. It was a big struggle for me, the pain was immense from my memories and my life has been hard. I wanted so badly to stay and know I was given a choice. I didn't feel like I would be "bad" if I didn't come back, I feel almost "proud" to upstand my word. I knew I had to come back for me to experience love here.

Did you have any psychic, paranormal or other special gifts following the experience that you did not have prior to the experience?         Uncertain

I have read auras and have been a bit of a psychic medium. They have intensified greatly. I feel more awareness of my best friends mood. It's like an underlying knowing. The reading following the experience, moved me so much that the medium was crying and shaking like me. People that witnessed it were dumbfounded. There are certain things that are unexplainable, a horoscope today was very hauntingly familiar. About me feeling like a square peg being tried to fit in a round hole. I watched a show on someone I didn't even know the other night and was intrigued about the "hidden meanings" in it. What I mean is that while watching this show they would be talking about this persons life and I would think of how it related to my own and immediately afterwards they would comment directly what I had been thinking. Mostly it was around dark times, depression and hard times. An example was- there is no pearl without sand. Then this person goes on to say if you take away all the demons, the angels leave too. In the past I would of pondered what it meant, maybe self analyzed a bit. This time I knew immediately, that you can't expereince joy without pain. Coincidences are more and more often.

Did you have any changes of attitudes or beliefs following the experience?   Yes

I'm very confused. At first I was angry. I wanted to stay and feel that love. I felt as though I was unappreciative b/c even though I had been given a second chance I sort of didn't want it. I questioned my faith and why God didn't love me enough, I felt as though I had been teased by a "good life". I came back and things were the same, my life was still terrible. LOL  I know there is something else, now I'm afraid I was sent there by accident and will never experience it again.

How has the experience affected your relationships? Daily life? Religious practices? Career choices?       I'm more emotional, if possible. LOL The experience has strained my relationship with J. He was there when it happened, but does not know about H. meeting me. He has struggled with H. death. I am at a loss for words how to explain that his deceased best friend, whom I've never met on the earthly plane sent me back. I'm struggling with words and feelings and have no close friends other than him , so I feel very abandoned and alone.

Has your life changed specifically as a result of your experience?         Uncertain

I'm growing I suppose. I spoke to a woman the other day about the bitterness that I felt. She told me to work through the pain. I was going through big life change prior to this experience and I was angry that the NDE actually set me back. I started getting insecure again and old OCD habits came back. I felt stunted spiritually but mostly emotionally. That is hard to swallow.

Have you shared this experience with others?         Yes

Awed mostly. Those who experienced my reading were blown away. J. is curious I suppose and has given me my space. One person told me I need to get over the integration and move on with my life, I can't go back, I made my decision.

What emotions did you experience following your experience?  Sadness, happiness, mostly scared confusion. I felt angry, like why did I choose to come back for, for what? I'm afraid of not going back, but then again afraid I will go back (as in I now know I can go anytime) there's a bit of comfort. At times I'm panicky about death, I used to be paranoid. At other times I have complete peace knowing it will be all okay.

What was the best and worst part of your experience?      The best part was the love that I felt from H. I remember thinking, wow what a wonderful place. A place where they love you know matter what you have done, and it was a love I had never felt before. I guess the best word would be acceptance". The worse part was knowing if I chose to go I would leave J.  I immediately afterwards felt so depressed and down that I was downright angry I was here. Then guilt set in like I was unappreciative. So then of course I analyzed whether I was good person if that I had experienced heaven and was bitter after the experience. LOL

Is there anything else you would like to add concerning the experience?        It was just amazing.

Following the experience, have you had any other events in your life, medications or substances which reproduced any part of the experience?         No

Did the questions asked and information you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?               Yes

It helped trigger things. Before this experience I used to feel like my life was snapshots, pieces here and there. Now I feel like it's an old archived movie. Like when you look up something on the web, you put in doctors you'll get a zillion listings. You questions were like saying "podiatrist" and I think foot doctor instead of just doctor. This is the first time I've explained everything and you questions, worded correctly, helped me explain this confusing experience.

Please offer any suggestions you may have to improve this questionnaire.    I think perhaps a question about drawbacks. I know that sounds crazy, but of all the articles I've read on the net, none have covered the extreme feelings of guilt, loss and sadness I have felt. Honestly, I felt like I was slipping into a mad depression. Everyone's experience I have read has been very pleasant and I feel very alone on my mixed feelings.