Experience description:

It happened 35 years ago and for the first time I try to write down my experience. It had been facilitated by a hallucinogenic drug. Therefore I don’t know even if it fits into your studies and interest at all. Certainly I’d be very curious of how people studying NDE see me experience and hope that this letter will lead to any kind of exchange.

Full moon night January 1984, on a remote beach near a holy but small Hindu pilgrimage town south of Goa in India. There was a total of 5 or 6 foreign 'hippies', including me, and we decided to take LSD for the occasion. Before sunset we hiked up a small hillock that divides two beaches to take our bills there. After the moon rise my friends walked back down to the beach to light a fire and celebrate while I sat down, right at that spot, and started to sit practicing Vipassana meditation. I had learned that Buddhist practice of attention to and experiencing 'what is', without judging, 1 or 2 years earlier, in India, and had started to try to practice every day.

Telling by the position of the full moon midnight was nearing when I got up, looked around and down to the beach some 4 or 500 feet away. I was amazed that I was able to see individual water drops glistering in the moonlight when they separated themselves from the tips of the waves just before hitting the beach. I found the sight irresistibly attractive, walked down to the beach and continued to walk right into the ocean to merge and become one with the elements and the universe.

First thing I did, while swimming out into the ocean, was taking off my 'loongi', Indian style cloth and vest that carried all my money, merging with the elements I wouldn’t need any of that worldly stuff anymore. I started, quite emotionally but also ecstatic, to say good bye to anybody or anything that I loved, at last also from my parents but then was startled because there was a single thing left that I was not able to say good bye to or to leave behind: my own breath!

It kept on coming and going but somehow I managed not to feel disturbed by it and started to sink. While sinking my body curled up into an embryo position, all became peaceful and quiet until suddenly something happened, booom: My body exploded into a fully stretched position, my arms straight up, and into a channel of light through which my body got pulled up, with high speed, until my body popped up again at the water’s surface.  

I was ecstatic, loud screamed out some Sanskrit sayings that were meant to say ( maybe I got them partly wrong ;) ) that the ocean, the moon above, god, the universe, me, all are but One and the same. After a while in this ecstatic state it dawned on me that the rather strong waves had brought me dangerously close sharp rocks that divided the two beaches, below the hillock where it all had started. It occurred to me in a flash that I better try to save me, swim back on shore to go back 'to earth' and to, this time, go there consciously and purposefully to do something good, something meaningful.

The actual experience that night had been that I actually did die! Whenever I dared to recount this experience to close friends, at least during the first 10 or 15 years after this night, I used to say something along: 'I had died once, during this life'.

Much more quite amazing happened during the rest of this night and the following months, a summary:

Once I reached the shore I did not at all feel like walking over to the campfire of my friends down the beach but went back up the hillock where it all had started. I was utterly exhausted and tried to relax but lying down proved impossible because of intense pain in the chest. I ended up inside a small Hindu shrine that’s located up that hillock, overlooking both beaches, sitting cross legged hanging on to a heavy brass chain with an oil lamp that dangled over the Shiva lingam that I sat in front of. Exhausted I tried to lie down again and again but if I tried the pain in the chest proved unbearable, I had to continue sitting, clinging on to that chain while I was spitting out salt water, more and more, for many hours.

Once I was able to walk again, after sun rise or rather near noon the next day, I went back down to the beach to finally lie down, by now it was possible, and then mostly slept for over 24, rather 48 hours.

The following 3 months:

First my 'friends', remember I had given up all my money, paid my bus fare and took me along to a mountain area in south India where they started to compete who was making the best 'hashish' out of the famous 'weed' there. I found their competitiveness and pride involved rather disgusting and soon, with the equivalent of maybe 10 USD that I had been given, hit the road down to the capital city of Kerala state. Earlier I had sent a letter to a brother of mine in my home country asking him to send some money to a local bank there.

From when I appeared in that bank first time, asking if the money had arrived, until it actually arrived it took another 10 to 14 days. During that time I was roaming the area between the city and a nearby beach, usually managed to get one simple meal a day and slept in the open. Often I sat in meditation, not trying to 'produce' myself but rather hiding, nevertheless it happened that people came up to me to bow down.. Even while walking it happened that locals would stare at me, folded their hands in a reverential greetings or even, as it seemed to me stunned, fell to their knees. I experienced that as a danger to take that reverence personally, to develop pride but had to take on that challenge.

Once the money arrived first I went to a city with a famous Ayurvedic institute that I had visited before, actually I do not remember what had been the actual reason why I went back there, could have been because I had started to feel sick. Doctors there must have considered that I’d rather needs spiritual, not medical help, anyway I was connected with and ended up staying at a small 'ashram' In the outskirts of that city. It was a very poor and simple place consisting of a few primitive huts, led by a young but very enthusiastic Hindu scholar who specially was working with the local youth.

My health deteriorated, I had very high temperature and very strong headache. Luckily there was a poor, local lady with two young daughters that came visiting me, sitting next to my bed and holding my hand while I was prepared to finally really die. I had not been able to take food for a while and had been down to weigh 128 pounds though I am over 6 feet tall.

I had fever dreams during which the people that mattered most to me, above all my parents, appeared. Somehow I survived and became better again. Once I was able to move again, first thing I did was I bought a ticket to fly back to Austria, after having stayed a few years in Asia, to meet my parents. Soon after I had arrived my father fell ill.  He still was young, in his early 60s but very soon I understood that my father was dying. He died a year later, and I was there with him.

It all made lot’s of sense.

At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event?   Yes  experience was I had died, actually almost drowned and some 3 months later, still as a result, again almost perished

Was the experience difficult to express in words?  Yes     how to tell anyone that I had earlier, in this life, already died once?

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?      difficult to state, I'd say at the time I had resurfaced on the water

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness?      More consciousness and alertness than normal   there was only One that was the moon, the ocean, God and me..

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   how to compare? There was unity and bliss

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   no recount

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body?   No  

What emotions did you feel during the experience?   exhilaration, bliss  

Did you pass into or through a tunnel?   Yes   described in my account: it was a channel of light that had brought me back up to 'worldly life' from a coiled up, embryonic state of sinking down the ocean into a state of dissolving into the 'All'

Did you see an unearthly light?   Yes   that light tunnel itself

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?   I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
during the first 3 months after the experience I was guided by voices that told me what to do, where to go. Sometimes I wondered where the voices came from but could not make out ( forgot to mention that in my NDE account )

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)?   No  

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?   Yes   Felt my father appearing, though I am not very certain about this any more!

Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience?   No  

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?   A clearly mystical or unearthly realm
there was absolute bliss and unity

Did time seem to speed up or slow down?   Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
it simply flowed along

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?   Everything about the universe
all seemed very clear, questions did trickle in later though

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?   Yes
as described in my account of my experience, it seemed that I was not allowed to give up my body and earthly existence and later , still as a result of my experience, had fallen sick and almost died again

Did you come to a border or point of no return?   I came to a barrier that I was not permitted to cross; or was sent back against my will
not sure which answer here is best: At the point where I had 'merged' with 'all' sinking into the ocean my body suddenly exploded and had been pulled up through a light channel to the surface of the ocean. There, confronted with dangerous rocks nearing, I also made a conscious decision to 'go back'

Did scenes from the future come to you?  No 

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there either is (or is not) continued existence after earthly life (“life after death”)?   Yes   all seemed beyond time and matter

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that God or a supreme being either does (or does not) exist?   Uncertain   not sure if any word, including 'God', describes it, any concept seems too limited

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that you either did (or did not) exist prior to this lifetime?   Uncertain   concept of time seemed too limited

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that a mystical universal connection or unity/oneness either does (or does not) exist?   Yes   I merged into unity and after I had been pulled up again to the surface of the water all around still was as 'One'. the moon,it's light, the water, 'God', me, the beach..

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s meaning or purpose?   Uncertain   there are no definite answers, any would be limiting and falling short

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s difficulties, challenges, or hardships?   No  

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding love?   Yes   yes, love as 'the' uniting force

During your experience, did you encounter any other specific information / awareness that you have not shared in other questions that is relevant to living our earthly lives?   Yes   yes, that we are here for a purpose to fulfill

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose?   Uncertain   yes, the special knowledge that I am to 'go back' to fulfill and do something worthwhile, but without any clarity what that would be

What occurred during your experience included:   Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience   My believes, after primarily having been a 'seeker' in India for a few years, had included most of what I experienced minus that possibility that one could actually experience the Unity but nevertheless having to, or having the chance to come back to life, mostly consistent to what it used to be.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience?   I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of the experience.   It has been 35 years now, but it remains pretty much the most important and vivid experience, including memories, that I have had

Discuss any changes that might have occurred in your life after your experience:   regarding the first two questions here:

43a/b: 'God' seems to be a term that commonly is used in a too defined and therefore too limited sense to express the Actual

44a/b: If I say I believe in an afterlife it again is a too limiting idea or concept. It is not a 'life' as we know or one that we can fathom

My experience directly resulted in:   Moderate changes in my life

Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience?   Yes   my views became even more egalitarian

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience?   Uncertain   I consider myself rather sensitive to the states of other beings, not sure how much this experience made that more pronounced but sure there was some of it

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you?     the sense of complete unity and peace

Have you ever shared this experience with others?   Yes  not sure anymore. I must have told the people who had been at that beach this night and who first had taken me along. To others I may have told earliest some 10 month later, back in Austria, studying Sanskrit and Buddhism at university in Vienna there was an astrologer who, a bit against my wish, had wanted to meet me to talk about my horoscope, I believe I must have mentioned to her. Later had told to various friends, but I hardly have had much reaction other than wonder.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?   No  

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:   Experience was definitely real   It all was very vivid, clear and certain, even though 'other-worldly'

What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time:   Experience was definitely real   experience always is real

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Uncertain   had been quite a loner than, only entered into my first, real and close relationship a few years later

Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Yes   any religion, any explanation, any words are excluding and limiting and therefore necessarily fall short

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?   Uncertain   During some psilocybin experiences, together with a Mexican who did work with them, some years later I had similar experiences but I was in a safe place then and it all was in mind only

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience?   it has made it a challenge for me to deal with anyone who seems to be self righteous

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?   Uncertain   I'd say so. Possibly to add, the experience has left me with the conviction that I have some purpose here. On the other side that pride is a lurking danger that separates us from it. Therefore I do not goout trying to do anything 'special' out there but simply to confront and live at my best whatever comes up.

What could a national organization with an interest in near death experience (NDE) do that would be of interest to you?  educate that any exclusivity is an arrogant and harmful error.

Are there any other questions that we could ask to help you communicate your experience?              a questions asking if one has been able to communicate one's experience and connect with others that have had similar.