Experience description:

This experience will likely not convince anyone of the reality of NDEs, because I myself dismissed it as a dream for many years. My life was not in danger, I just went to bed, utterly depressed and in dispair, and then I woke up the next morning laughing. I write down this story mostly to share with the others who have seen the other world and possibly help them. And possibly I can ease my own alienation by communication.

I began to experience depression for the first time when I was 16. When I was around 20 it started to get a lot worse and I was around 23 when this happened, I was a wreck. On top of the crippling depression and panic attacks, weird phenomena like hearing the distant chiming of church bells in the middle of the night started. I distinctly remember my horror when I discovered that these bells were just in my head. I was very limited in my perspective at the time and naively thought I would become an academic researcher in the field of philosophy and other subjects like that. Hearing bells and seeing blinding white lights behind closed eyes when I went to bed was horrifying to me at the time. I thought I was going insane. I began to isolate. Just before this 'dream' happened, I was without hope. I couldn't help myself, had no friends and noone to ask. Sweden or any modern country used to be easy materially, but very difficult spiritually. Everybody is asleep and completely ignorant of anything outside the cave. This situation still prevails and is getting worse very rapidly.

Then one night I went to bed and somehow managed to ignore the screams of agony coming from my schizophrenic neighbour. She would begin to scream out her pain every night around 2 AM. 'We now see through a mysterious mirror' (1 cor, ch. 13)

This world is not the real one. In fact there are many planes, all of them are part of the mind. All the information we have about the world comes from perception. For all we know, the world is a collection of thoughts, all mind stuff. It is impossible to point at a real boundary in the mind other than apparent boundraries. It's like trying to measure a coastline, the more carefully the measuring is done, the longer the coastline gets. In truth it goes on and on, like zooming in a Julia set.

I was suddenly in a beautiful garden. My friends were there. I could not see their faces. The landscape was that of a dream, from Earth, in fact it was the pastures outside the farm where I grew up. But the feeling was not of this world. The love, the peace and acceptance is impossible to describe. You have all you need, and ever will need. Time is just the now. And all you have is clear awareness and infinite love. I could put in more words here, but unfortunately, they cannot describe it.

There was communication going on all the time, but I can't remember anything of what was said. It was without words, more like communion. Later we explored a small village in the mountains, just hanging out. The last scene was all of us around a table in the kitchen at night. Everybody leaning forwards under the lamp. All the time a feeling of silent communication. I then rise from the table and walk into a dark bedroom and lie down on the bed. And I start to laugh. I laugh from the bottom of my heart and I wake up in bed still laughing. I don't remember why. Perhaps it was just the extreme relief and happiness that I never felt before, but I suspect there's more to it. I wouldn't be surprised if this whole life experience comes across as a cosmic joke on the other side. Earth is truly the opposite of 'home' and therefore it must be an illusion. Like a grotesque theater with everybody using their bodies as masks, playing out a weird, depressing drama of ignorance and suffering. But it is the same awareness that plays all the roles and this becomes obvious once the veil lifts. The One, the Father. All is his. 'Since unity contains all, it cannot exclude any.'

We are loved and it ends well. I lean heavily on that. But it seems life can get very dark before the end also. The awareness of unity and love as truth and of the Earth as illusion makes it very hard to stay motivated on Earth.

The immediate effect of the experience was that strangely forgot about the 'dream' and began to break out of my self imposed prison. I moved into a collective and began socialising. Over night I got this extreme desire to seek. I would spend all my available time in front of books and the computer. I still do. The blessing is that I am seeking, I don't fear death and I will not be fooled as easily as others by the false powers that be. All this is invaluable and it makes me beyond grateful for the experience. The downside is the alienation that I still don't know how to handle. Life is only worth something if you serve somebody out of love. Love means seeing others as yorself. If you convert and turn to the opposite perspective, all of a sudden you have little to talk about other than every day chit chat. That's ok, but is it really all? It is not love, that's for sure. I guess time will tell?

Service through my profession feels of little value (you can train anyone to pave a drive way). So how can I serve? What is my mission? I will not put children into this world, because it is impossible for me to raise them into this craziness. That takes away the most common way to find love and meaning. I don't have enough faith for such a responsibility. What would I tell them? Still I want to serve.

How? Nobody wants it, and I must say I don't know what to do. Life without someone to love is without meaning. I have loved, I have served, but obviously not enough?

I had another visit ten years later. I was working with the Santo Daime at the time and dreamt I was clad in white, waiting for the ceremony to begin. Big doors open into the church and a procession of people walk in. The first ones carry something. They line up behind everyone and I can feel a woman behind me. Instantly the thought is communicated: 'Receive the perfume that comes from the dead“ I feel something like water or wind flowing through the top of my head and down into the body. I could not see their faces. This felt like an initiation and it was no doubt my home crew who gave it to me. No effects were felt after this happened though. Haven't seen them since, unfortunately.

At the time of your experience was there an associated life-threatening event?   No 

Was the experience difficult to express in words?  Yes     You cannot describe being, put a word on it and it is not That. You can be, but not describe it. As soon as you begin you cloud 'It' by focusing on the manifest. Being is the unmanifest Creator, no words apply.

At what time during the experience were you at your highest level of consciousness and alertness?      same throughout

How did your highest level of consciousness and alertness during the experience compare to your normal everyday consciousness and alertness?      More consciousness and alertness than normal   The body is the cross. It is the cause of all suffering, ie. pain and pleasure. You see only parts of the whole and that is painful and constricted. Ignorance and suffering is unavoidable and also the whole point. Suffering teaches compassion and love, paradoxically. Remove the belief that you are the body and your real Self becomes apparent. That is the ressurection, according to Ramana Maharshi. Once the body is gone, you have no worries. At least if you lived a good life. Possibly even if you didn't!

Please compare your vision during the experience to your everyday vision that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   Don't remember.

Please compare your hearing during the experience to your everyday hearing that you had immediately prior to the time of the experience.   All was silent but full of meaning.

Did you see or hear any earthly events that were occurring during a time that your consciousness / awareness was apart from your physical / earthly body?   No  

What emotions did you feel during the experience?   Love and bliss. A peace that passes all understanding.   

Did you pass into or through a tunnel?   No  

Did you see an unearthly light?   No  

Did you seem to encounter a mystical being or presence, or hear an unidentifiable voice?   I encountered a definite being, or a voice clearly of mystical or unearthly origin
In the second experience, I remember what was said. In the first, no.

Did you encounter or become aware of any beings who previously lived on earth who are described by name in religions (for example: Jesus, Muhammad, Buddha, etc.)?   No   

Did you encounter or become aware of any deceased (or alive) beings?   No  

Did you become aware of past events in your life during your experience?   Uncertain   Most information was blocked out.

Did you seem to enter some other, unearthly world?   A clearly mystical or unearthly realm
A dream landscape from Earth, but permeated by an atmosphere of Love unlike anything here. The theater backdrop was the same (pastures and garden etc) , but the essence was totally different. Actually the opposite of Earth. Love instead of hate, awareness not ignorance, peace not war and so on.

Did time seem to speed up or slow down?   Everything seemed to be happening at once; or time stopped or lost all meaning
Past and future are thoughts. Be in the now and there is no time. Impossible here, at least for me. Over there, this earthly experience of time would be impossible.

Did you suddenly seem to understand everything?   Everything about myself or others
All is known. They know you in every detail. All you ever thought and did, all is revealed. And they still love you more than is possible to fathom. It is glorious!

Did you reach a boundary or limiting physical structure?   Uncertain
I have no memory of large chunks. I only know that many bits are missing from my memory.

Did you come to a border or point of no return?   I came to a definite conscious decision to return to life
I don't remember. But I went back to hell on earth out of free will, laughing as if it was the greatest joke ever.

Did scenes from the future come to you?  No 

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness suggesting that there either is (or is not) continued existence after earthly life (“life after death”)?   Yes   There is no end to being or the Creator of which we all are parts. It will always be, in fact time is illusory. The end of this world would be the beginning of another.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that God or a supreme being either does (or does not) exist?   Yes   God manifest is Love and I knew Love. I don't remember specific communication about God other than what was obvious as a feeling. Timeless peace.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that you either did (or did not) exist prior to this lifetime?   Yes   see above

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness that a mystical universal connection or unity/oneness either does (or does not) exist?   Yes   see above

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s meaning or purpose?   Uncertain   may have forgotten but Im sure I knew... all is known there, but I don't remember.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding earthly life’s difficulties, challenges, or hardships?   Uncertain   After the NDE it is obvious that suffering teaches Love, but this is a later conclusion.

During your experience, did you encounter any specific information / awareness regarding love?   Uncertain   I experienced it first hand. That is as specific as I can get.

During your experience, did you encounter any other specific information / awareness that you have not shared in other questions that is relevant to living our earthly lives?   No  

Did you have a sense of knowing special knowledge or purpose?   Yes   It all made perfect sense then. I had no questions, no memory now.

What occurred during your experience included:   Content that was both consistent and not consistent with the beliefs you had at the time of your experience   Deep down I believed in LOVE. That was confirmed. All the rest was a total surprise.

How accurately do you remember the experience in comparison to other life events that occurred around the time of the experience?   I remember the experience more accurately than other life events that occurred around the time of th   I think about this dream everyday now. 20 plus years later. No other event comes up daily.

Discuss any changes that might have occurred in your life after your experience:   I sacrificed my reputation, what people think of me, a normal life with family, all career efforts put on ice. The only meaning of my life was linked to the other side in one way or another. I can't wait to go back. I hate this world and it is just getting more and more absurd. My experience is my blessing and my curse.

I know the story ends well and I know I'm going to a good place, but man, this world is a joke! Look at the leaders and us, the people! It's such a farce! Know that a better world exist and do not fear death. Serve others because there are no others. Seek to serve out of love somehow. When alone, meditate and pray.

I must try to find joy in the small things here on earth. Making others feel loved is the highest service I can think of. But it is not easy.

My experience directly resulted in:   Large changes in my life

Did you have any changes in your values or beliefs after the experience that occurred as a result of the experience?   Yes   All my attention is now on how to get out of here in one piece. I seek to learn and serve. Prior to the NDE I was like everyone else, perhaps a bit more able to pick up vibes, more empathic and introverted.

Do you have any psychic, non-ordinary or other special gifts after your experience that you did not have before the experience?   No  

Are there one or several parts of your experience that are especially meaningful or significant to you?     The unity and Love!

Have you ever shared this experience with others?   Yes  Maybe 10 years? It is like the opposite of normal memories. Usually a memory is clear at first and then fades. This memory is the same now as then but I think of it more and more often. In the begi ning only sometimes, like my mind blocked it out. Now I think of it all the time.

Did you have any knowledge of near death experience (NDE) prior to your experience?   No  

What did you believe about the reality of your experience shortly (days to weeks) after it happened:   Experience was probably not real   Mysteriously, I thought it was just a dream. The best one I ever had, but just a dream...

What do you believe about the reality of your experience at the current time:   Experience was definitely real   I don't understand how I could not think more about this when it happened, but I simply had to much on my plate at the time and I also think it was by design. What you are allowed to remember can be controlled from the other side, I believe.

Have your relationships changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Yes   I only desire relationships that mirror the unity I felt. Or they must at least have to potential or I don't bother. This is not right, and I know it. One can learn from anybody and I should be more open than I am. I simply don't have enough inspiration and joy to pay enough attention on people that wont understand anyway. Work forces me to socialize with all kinds and I think that is the reason I do what I do. I cannot figure out anything else to do than doing stone and paving work for people I would otherwise never hang out with. That way they get to know a truly eccentric and unusual person and I can look myself in the mirror in them and learn a lot. I'd rather hang out with my real friends, but this will have to do for the time being.

Thank God, I have always had at least one friend who understands all along, and I even had a girlfriend who could understand. That was the best part of my life. Those relationships were truly blessings and without them I wouldn't have had any benefit of the NDE. But we are talking maybe 10 people in total over 20 years. Of these I think only one friend truly understands.

Have your religious beliefs/spiritual practices changed specifically as a result of your experience?   Yes  

At any time in your life, has anything ever reproduced any part of the experience?   Yes   I spent many years working with psychedelic plants. I also smoked DMT. The similarities are superficial but some insights are the same. Plants can show you some of that Love, but always mixed with passion, with want, never as pure. Also on DMT you can leave the body and enter another plane. Not recommended, but the conclusions are the same. If that world is a hallucination then so is this one. The NDE shows the same thing. The world arises in the mind and is projected outwards. The body is a creature of the mind and a mere idea along with the brain and the whole world with its ten thousand things. Look inside and see unity, look outside and see many things. Inside quality, outside quantity. Inside truth, outside illusion. Subtle/gross. High/low. True/false.

Is there anything else that you would like to add about your experience?   I have a feeling something big is about to happen.

Did the questions asked and information that you provided accurately and comprehensively describe your experience?   Yes